When I Get This Feeling…I Want…Sexual Healing.

"Most western sex is necrophilia; one dead body having sex with another dead body" - Joseph Kramer.

When I read this quote today, I was in absolute agreement with it. No brainer. Sex is dead. Long live intimacy! 

Many years ago now, I came across a book by a female performance artist and former sex worker Annie Sprinkle. At the time, I'd never heard of Annie nor come across her work, but this book, entitled "Annie Sprinkle's Post Porn Modernist" changed my life. Annie spoke to me about her sexual evolution in ways that were heartfelt, humorous and sometimes heart-breaking too, but then such is life. Her vivid descriptions of her up-bringing, adolescence and her journey (or perhaps deep dive) into the explorations of what it is to be a liberated sexual being were so incredibly inspiring. Annie seemed to have banished shame! This intrigued me. 

I have been fortunate enough to meet Annie, and at this meeting I was rapidly introduced to the magic that is Ms Sprinkle as a room full of people were taken into energy orgasm streaming right next door to a room of policemen and women, policy makers and officials deep into bone dry conversations of the cerebral type. The orgasmic noises filtering through the thin walls with increasing volume were just so delicious, and I can tell you now I sincerely wished I'd attended 'the other' break out session at that conference! 

From this meeting, this conference, a litter of ideas were birthed, giving rise to the Sex Work Re-Assessed Conference here in the UK in 1998. This joint project led by myself and two colleagues from The University of East London (Dr's Wendy Rickards and Merl Storr), came about after that trip to Los Angeles, where seeing so many create and change so much by giving a massive platform to that which is often unsaid was utterly inspiring. Perhaps in those days, funding was internationally more available, people were talking more about this stuff and there was a real buzz around sexuality, not a 'dry' buzz but more of a wet slippery one! Sex workers were speaking loud and proud and this is what they were saying…

But what is sex? what is sexual expression? Who gets to decide, and who gets to legislate? Personally speaking I don't ever want to witness a repeat of 'Operation Spanner' where in December of 1990, 16 gay men were given custodial sentences for consenting BDSM activity. Key word there = CONSENTING! So, the issue with sexuality for me lies in the distortions around it, and the value judgments which are seemingly inextricably tied to it. A bondage of a different kind! 

For me, it doesn't really matter what you do in bed, it's more about how you do it. As Joseph Kramer so succinctly puts it above, many of us are dead or dying from the waist down when it comes to the fine and exquisite art of truly 'love' making. Neither the hearts and flowers Mills and Boon kind, nor the opposite kind of the style you may find in a fetish club, for both can be equally besieged with a lack of true connection to the self and the other in my view. No, Joseph has nailed it (no pun intended!). 

For me, the three keys are breath, communication and presence. Being brave enough to really speak about what turns you on and off, where your energy is flowing and stuck, and truly making the first forays into stopping with the acting and starting to become the key player in your own pleasure maps. Following a path of Red Tantra has led me into the body in ways I could never have previously imagined. Without having to use fantasy as a tool to get off, one becomes able to use presence as the greatest erotic aphrodisiac on the market, and the good news is that it's free! All of the add-ons can be fine of course, but even then, if we default to major fantasy without fully remaining present to who is in front of us, what we are sharing and how we share it, then it's game over. If you're lucky you get a great O-gasm, if not, a somewhat deflated feeling that you've sold yourself short somehow. 

But what if you don't sell yourself short? What if you don't make love as one 'dead' body to another? Then, does it matter if you are paid for it or not? If you're tied up or not? If it's a one off or an ongoing thing? No! The whole point is, that you are truly alive and inhabiting your body, your sexual self and your personal erotic map in absolute and utter presence, and that my dears, is where the nectar truly lies. In integrity. 

So let's hear it for all of the Sexual Pioneers, healers and adventurers out there making this world sexier one way or another. I for one am grateful for each and every one of them. 

Shakti Tantra, Sarah Rose Bright, Joseph Kramer, Barbara Carrellas, Annie Sprinkle, Betty Dodson et al. Thank you for being there sexing up the planet! 

The Cosmic Orgasm of Life

This week sees your Hostess Claudia looking into and pondering Creation Myths and the general disconnect from the physical body and the act of union/communion.

After a beautiful day out in Wales on Wednesday with Barry Spendlove from Healing Tao Britain, I was left, as usual when out on Barry's walks, in a state of presence and contentedness. Barry is one of the most embodied people I've ever met, and walking with him with his deep knowledge of the land around Wales, nature in general and the physical form, provides a really strong base from which to engage with the interconnectedness of our own bodies and the body of the earth. Observing the deep sunsets, engaging with the trees, with the feeling of Autumn approaching, the earth changing and yet also ever present in stillness, led me to what I can only describe as a state of bliss. This in turn got me thinking about sensuality and sexuality in general, and to wondering how many, if any, creation myths actually involve the physical in a sexual way and what that energy of creation and dissolution is about.

Nature has an exquisite way of mirroring sex. Just observe on your next walk how many trees, plants, flowers and rocks can hold an essence of this most natural act, and yet then consider where we, where the world came from, and how disconnected from the sexual this usually is. Generally we know that the increase in organised religions around the world saw the decrease of shame-free sexual expression. From early natural expressions of sex, amongst mammals and other animals and amongst people, gradually we saw a decline in that naturalness and an increase in judgement and censorship. Over time, we began to hide our sexual drives and to judge them. We became our own inner critics, and the ugly trinity of shame, guilt and fear began to take over from beauty, joy and bliss. Basically - we forgot.

So as I walk in nature and observe everywhere the essence of change, of growth and new life in spring, of decay and release in winter, and the beauty and magic running through all seasons based in that essential re-creation, I am left wondering why so many of our creation stories do not involve the physical expression of that. I found mainly one, a Japanese myth about the God Izanagi and the Goddess Izanami. It is said that these two made love with appetite and with passion, thus giving birth to eight of the Japanese islands.

What eventually happened to Izanami was that when she gave birth to one of her sons, a fire God, this birth was too much for her to bear and the fire consumed her - interesting right? Here is this passionate, sexually confident Goddess and the fire she gives birth to burns her up! So I'm left wondering about all of this cosmic bliss; it's a beautiful thing to feel, to experience and to contain. Orgasmic streaming of the kind that comes from deep, spirit connected, embodied sacred sex is without doubt a potent force for creation. Are we afraid of that energy? Are we shying away from harnessing that life force? Are we overly concerned about the physical aspects of sex when we should be focussing on the energetic ones in their most pure form, and by 'pure'  I don't mean of the kind judged on a moral basis. 

Life is beautiful. Nature is powerful. Sex and sensuality can be a gateway into presence and into bliss. Let's get rid of the distortions around it, open up the dialogue and welcome the great Cosmic Orgasm of Life! 

Leave me your comments on life, energy, nature, sex, creation. I love to engage with people!

Self Pleasure Versus Masturbation

Good evening all and welcome to 2014! My second post of the year sees me contemplating an altogether different subject, the subject of pleasure and how you get yours.

I was well into my fourth decade before I first heard the term 'self pleasure', and when I did, I admit that it didn't sit comfortably with me. It reeked a little too much of good-girl-squeaky-clean syndrome and somehow seemed a bit 'icky'. Personally speaking, I'd always preferred my fucks to my made loves, my cums to my climaxes and my wanks to my self pleasures. And I'd always chosen words like cunt over vagina, pussy over the euphemistic lady-garden and perhaps the worst one ever, front bottom!

So for me, coming across the phrase 'self pleasure' was a tantric exploration as much about the semantics and their message as it was the form and structure.

Many of us grew up either being told that it would make us blind, it was dirty or it was just something for dark, silent corners that we all knew about but no-one ever discussed, perish the thought. And yet we also knew from an early age, damn this feels good! So for me tantra blew the lid off all of that negative collective consciousness around sex and sexuality, intimacy and the body, and as someone never too backwards at coming forwards, I didn't even know how much further I could go!

I'm still a tiny bit twitchy when I use the phrase self-pleasure as it's just not really me, but I'm getting better at it, you could say that the 'L' plates are off and I'm on the road but not there yet, wherever there is. However I also feel that masturbation sounds so damn clinical, so somewhere in between the two I guess I sit on the proverbial fence waiting to see upon which side I 'cum' down (pardon the pun).

Some of my heroines, women like Betty Dodson and Annie Sprinkle really broke through so many taboos in their work. Betty's famous books Sex For One, Celebrating Orgasm and the like, and Annie's absolutely seminal Public Cervix Announcement really broke the mould when it came to smashing the silent barriers of shame, guilt and fear.

Using her own body, Annie offered up to her audience the chance to see and discuss the deeper, darker, mystical caverns of a woman's body, pleasure and psyche. Her openness encouraged that in others. Her work inspires me to this day and I salute her contribution to sexual progressive thought, feeling and action. Annie's book 'Post Porn Modernist', was one of the first books I ever bought, read cover to cover and have treasured ever since. 

I'm more comfortable with the term self pleasure since discovering tantra, as I can now relate it to the many different ways of experiencing pleasure, and I guess the key for me has been one of taking my pleasure back for me. It's not about me giving it to anyone else, performing or feeling obligated to some reciprocal deal in the bedroom, but how I can give and take pleasure by really owning it, understanding it and revelling in it. Self pleasure could actually be about anything, eating, sleeping, running, gazing into the eyes of your beloved, running a soft bath, resting, whatever it is so long as the intention is there to pleasure the self. In receiving well, we learn to extend that and in turn, to give well, and I'm not sure its possible to give well if you can't receive well. How can we ever hope to do that whilst masturbating silently, quickly and under cover of darkness? So yes, I am beginning to love the term, and to relish my private moments of bliss, and in those moments, masturbation seems far to limited a terminology. 

The french call orgasms 'la petite mort' or 'the little death' and it's true that in my personal moments of ecstatic bliss I probably come closest to that infinite zero point of nothing-ness, the primordial soup, the essence of a small death. The website Beautiful Agony is worth a browse and Clayton Cubitt's highly erotic 'Hysterical Literature' project is just another orgasm waiting to happen to be quite frank. Beautiful, erotic and intelligent, it also opens doors into how we witness pleasure and where that witnessing can take us. There's so much out there, go explore and have fun! It's all about the bliss and nothing about the shame. 

Get orgasmic, its good for you! 

For more teachings on tantra and sexuality, I highly recommend Shakti Tantra

Sex Workers Speakeasy

An example of my film project: 'Sex Workers Speakeasy'. Sex Workers Speakeasy is a film and media project, launched at the recent Desiree Alliance 5th Conference in Las Vegas, Nevada.

The aim of this project is to allow current and former sex workers a platform from which to express our experiences of working in an industry besieged by blame, discrimination, prejudice, and stigma. What makes sex work challenging? What makes it liberating? What frustrates us? What educates us, and so much more. Rather than existing as the marginalised group all too often talked 'about', here we take back our voices and become those doing the talking.

Using only the mouth to convey the message has a two-fold intent - firstly it allows more anonymity which for many people working within punitive legal and/or cultural frameworks, or who are facing massive discrimination is absolutely crucial and reflects that which we hope to change through ongoing activism. Secondly, it stops the viewer from over identifying with, and then projecting onto the image; focussing only on the message thus offering far greater impact. The Words not The Person.

All contributions range from 1.5 minutes to 4 minutes maximum. I intend to collaborate with sex workers across the board, regardless of location, culture, gender identity, age, and experience of the work, in fact, the greater the diversity the more powerful the message.

Please message me if you would like to contribute to this documentary. Your community needs YOU!

You can send me your words as a recording only if you do not wish to be identified by your mouth/voice, and a representative will read your words over a film still to indicate that this was a submission where the contributor was unable to 'come out' in any way whatsoever. This too should hold significant relevance.

Nothing will be published without your constant and ongoing approval, and all contributions are anonymous unless otherwise specified.

Please email tantraheart@rocketmail.com with your questions or contributions.

And a very big "Thank You!" to those who have already submitted to this project.

Maggie McNeil's blog can be found here - well worth subbscribing, it's packed with interesting and thought provoking articles. Maggie writes daily. 

Bluebeard's Key

Evening all - today sees your hostess Claudia contemplating morals (again I hear you gasp!)

After reading an article this morning which raised my blood pressure to unhealthy levels, I could not help but find myself jaw dropping-ly amazed by the blatant hypocrisy that seems to rule our societies major financial and governmental systems. What could have incensed me so much I hear you ask - well, it was the news that a number of porn stars have recently found that their bank accounts have been shut down on the grounds of "compliance issues." You can read the article here. Compliance issues here representing the 'improper morals' of the client, in the case of the bank subsequently receiving and handling money presuming to be made from pornography.

F**K me! Was I getting this straight I wondered? The banks, notorious for investing their money in arms and warfare, unethical trading, large scale corporate corruption both from within and without, were refusing to take money from porn stars on the ground it is 'immoral'? Am I missing something here?

Chanel Preston (pictured above) makes porn and enjoys it. It might not be everyone's cup of tea but it operates within the realms of adult, consenting, co-operative sex. It does not pretend to be anything other than it is. You either love it or hate it, avoid or ignore it, use it to enhance your sex life or reject it, wish you could do it or are frustrated by the often joyless representations of women's sexual power in it, or some other variable of response. So how did the banks, with their squeaky clean record of investing our global finances (spot the irony) then become our moral arbiters? And what is it about sex that still shakes us up so much.

All of this got me thinking, and led me as these things often do, down a fork in the next road where I came across a delightfully frank article where my long time heroine and inspiration Annie Sprinkle (pictured below) was discussing the taboos around paying for sex.

I believe that we are still incredibly hung up about paying for sexual services despite the fact that we think nothing about paying for almost every other aspect of our personal desires and needs. We pay for alcohol and drugs to relax us, we pay to enlist the services of people whose skills we need at any point in our lives, we pay to experience the lives and cultures of others, we often pay to work or perform, and we pay for just about every need we have without too many questions being raised. We are human beings conceived in sexual bonding, and it's fair to say that the exploration of our own sexuality then continues all the way through our lives - the good the bad and the ugly all entering the fray, for most of us that is. How is it then that we still balk, moralise and intervene on the issue of the buying and selling of sex?

For me, it's the Bluebeard's Key of our lives - the key to the door we are given but told not to peek into, never to venture in for the rivers of blood that will be unleashed if we dare to cross the forbidden threshold. "Here, I'm offering you this in trust but you must not let your curiosity reign supreme." Discipline (but not paid!) must be found or the devil may cavort!

It's curious to me that should I have a sexual desire or need that I could never openly admit I may choose to pay for. Honest, clean negotiation? What's wrong with that? At least the bank aren't my caretakers or judges on the matter at hand. At least the choice is mine. Sex, the most normal drive and urge in the world, so distorted, so misrepresented, so repackaged and re-sold to us that we even believe the mythology now. That everyone else is having better sex than we are and that it's wrong to pay for it.

Give me one good reason why?

For centuries women have been getting into trouble for daring to unleash their curiosity or their need - Eve, Pandora, Red Riding Hood, Rapunzel, Bluebeard's wife and so many many more, all of them/us doing little more than expressing a desire. What then of women's sexuality when it is unleashed and expressed?

Whilst sex remains the Bluebeard's Key, we will never change things and it's most certainly time to change things. Unlock the door and dare to get the pleasure you deserve!

Let's turn it into a pleasure zone! 

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Most Definitely Sinned!

...and I enjoyed it! 

Today's blog post sees me rattled and I'm not afraid to admit it. Over the last months we have seen ever increasing revelations about sexual abuse, endemic in various institutions it would seem and historically covered up and then even 'justified' (i.e., the cover up) on some levels. Today, I log into my my lovely laptop to see a random number of comments about Kevin Le Vell, mostly joke oriented comments, just like those I'm sure we've all heard now about Jimmy Saville and the now de-moted pope Benedict (with a small p....). 

As the Vatican prepares to appoint a new Pope, it is staggering to me that those who knowingly concealed this abuse are being afforded the right to vote for the new pope, on the grounds that "wisdom is not (God)-given just to saints but also to sinners," and "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."* Well now, surely there's sinning and there's sinning, and who am I to judge? Well, In this case I do! Violating my rights to speak out about, and negotiate healthy consenting adult sex whilst hiding the distortions? Perpetuating the myths about the kind of sex we want or we're having and making inaccessible the bridges to moving towards a healthier attitude, that's where the true immorality lies.  

It's true that humour can be a really good way of taking the charge out of things. Only recently I had to give my young son some life lessons in managing bullying, suggesting that when bullies don't find a response, or emotional charge for you in what they come at you with, they usually leave you alone. Make light of it, turn it into humour or act mad, three top tips for dealing with crazy or aggressive behaviour. You can always try reason of course, and as an adult this will often work, less so with kids who generally shoot from the hip. But is it always appropriate to use humour in talking about really serious issues such as sexual abuse? No, I don't think it is really and here's why. 

It seems that something is going on, has been for years in fact, that is distorting our perspective on healthy sex. We peep into the lives of others, wondering if our own drives and desires are 'normal' or 'ok'. We have feelings we don't always understand and often can't manage, and without support, a friendly ear or an outlet, all too often the Ugly Sisters of secrecy, scandal and shame appear. We have come to confuse our feelings with our emotions, all too often acting on emotional triggers which are residue from feelings unexpressed in the moment, frequently childhood. As adults, its critical we start taking responsibility for our feelings and our actions, and the way to do this is to find our courage and support, our love and our honesty. Distorted behaviour comes from a marriage of fear and habit - simple, but it's not so simple to change that when we live in a society that generally jokes about or vilifies sex, sexuality and the body. 

My work focuses on moving into a healthy view of sexuality but it's way bigger than that really. It's about moving into intimacy and love through awareness and accountability. Now don't get me wrong here, people get twitchy when I speak about intimacy and accountability as if assuming that fast sex, hard sex, dirty sex and fantasy all get thrown out in this new age 'sacred sexuality', which it's fair to say they sometimes do, however my brand of coaching and bodywork most certainly doesn't jettison the baby with the bath water. Sex should be fun, it can be lewd and rude, funny and irreverant, or tender and soulful, sensual and aware. Actually, I am purporting that the connection and awareness is always there, but not at the expense of the bawdy irreverence. 

A wise woman once said "if you can't play with it's got you" but the problem is that so much about sex has well and truly got us by the metaphorical balls, and it's just not fun to be there. For me, rather than making jokes about Saville, Le Vell and the pope, why aren't we taking it seriously and looking at the cause not the symptom? Why aren't we asking ourselves what judgments we hold that contribute to this dis-ease, and it is a sickness we're looking at here. Health does not use the bodies of non-consenting people for their own pleasure. Women who get attacked because of the way they dress, or act, children who get abused because someone else is bigger than they are and just can...men who are smaller or slighter than other men, it doesn't matter what age, gender, culture or size you are, NO means NO! And guess what...so does silence. 

I can only give my consent when I give a voice to my feelings. I can only give my consent when I am old enough to make choices for myself. I can only give my consent when you allow me to negotiate and/or change my mind whenever I want. We are not in charge or runaway horses, wild stallions of no-mind, but in charge of brains and a capacity to evaluate, think and respond rather than react in any given moment, and if I can, you can!

And so to my next point. Many people find an open communication about sex to be 'distasteful' and yet it's in our secrecy that sickness is born. I think it's the height of hypocrisy to declare judgment on those who do, whilst all the while doing it yourself behind closed doors and with those who haven't even consented. Ironically, my lifelong commitment to sex work rights and campaigning for changes in the law is based entirely on the premise that what consenting adults choose to do with their money, their bodies and their sex combined is nobody else's goddamn business! If you or I want to pay for it, and if you or I want to sell it, please...a golden ticket to Nirvana for the person who can give me one good reason why this should be any different to the sale of our intellect, our creativity or our skills? 

Whilst you're considering this, take a moment to laugh in the face of this distortion, recognising it for what it is, all smoke and mirrors.  If we're going to make light of the symptoms, then at the very least we need to acknowledge the cause, and do something positive to change it. Change the dialogue around sex and the body, change the way we see intimacy, challenge the messages we give and receive about the body, about romance and love. THINK! Let's engage our brains, for they are beautiful and have immense capacity. And while you're at it, remember:

"Pleasure is medicine and love has the power to heal" and then ask yourself how you can love better and experience real pleasure.  

...all roads lead to the heart. 

*Source - Deccan Herald, Monday 25th Feb 2013.

Fuck Me Harder....

...a.k.a, the porn sex myth.

So, your divine Hostess Claudia finds the cogs and machinery of her inner mind kicking into action once more. It's been a long break, much to ponder and many changes. I've given up tantra working as I fell in love and for me personally, I find it too hard to manage both love and sexuality work at the same time. God knows that relationships can be challenging enough without throwing client relationships into the mix and add into that full time day job and 3 kids...well you get the picture; even Superwoman would falter!

My default setting is to overDO rather than overBE, and when I'm in full swing acting this out, I admit to a tendency to burnout. Sound familiar? well, my medicine for burnout can be sex. I love sex and to be frank, I find that it relaxes me in ways that little else can, so imagine my delight upon completion of a recent tantra for women course, discovering that there are exercises I can consciously use to raise and channel sexual energy whilst meditating!! Now that's my kinda meditation, something that has never come easily to me before, so I've been exploring this a while now (more posts on tantra to follow) and I find it is leading me to consider some interesting reflections upon the nature of sex, fucking, love, intimacy and the like.

Until now, as a self confessed orgasm junkie, sexual pleasure has most definitely been achieved with the golden carrot of the thought of the deliciously divine orgasmic end result dangling omnipresent. Sex without orgasm felt like a major disappointment and often, in order to get that if I'm being completely honest,  fantasy would be activated to greater and greater degree. Fucking harder, talking dirtier, experimenting by going out on ever daring limbs, and with many of those I sure had no map 'home'. Don't get me wrong, I'm not averse to the odd bit of porn, the odd bit of fantasy, or the odd bit of sexual adventure at all, however, I do think that a great deal of mainstream porn is de-sensitising us to real intimacy and that intimacy has almost become a dirty word! 

The problem lies, as far as I can see it, in that' same ole same ole' split that sees the (often religiously based) chastity advocates owning the INTIMACY word whilst the rest of us speak in carnal tongues about the pleasures of fucking, however some of my most pleasurable sexual experiences of recent months have come from moving away from porno style fucking into sensual sexual intimacy. This I have managed to do without sacrificing my filthy whore nature to the lamb of love, and I'm wondering if this is in fact part of the same tendency to separate 'good' and 'clean' sex from 'bad' and 'dirty' sex.....yup...just like we do with women.

There are good girls and bad girls right? Those who are marriage material and those who are playthings. Those you want to fuck and those you want to treasure. Virgins and wives versus whores? But for those of us who court both real passionate intimacy and real dirty unashamed sexual pleasure, what offers you/us the best sex ever? What makes your sex great and your intimacy profoundly touching? Do you enjoy porn? Do you use porn to get you off? Do you see intimacy as a 'dirty' word and is it in fact the last taboo in these days of increasingly available sexual imagery?

Just askin'........do come in and chat....x

Sex: What makes it great?

Having spent the last few evenings firmly entrenched in Anna Span DVDs, I've come to thinking about what makes sex great for women. I felt strangely empowered (or was it aroused?!) after watching Anna's productions, and given that I'm generally not at all shy about exploring sex and sexuality, empowerment on top of existing confidence can only be a good thing (though men may wish to run very fast in the opposite direction as my pussy demands more action!)

Having been fortunate enough to have had relationships that have allowed me to fully explore the 'darker' sides of my sexual expression,  has given me the opportunity to be much clearer about what I like and dislike in bed and find the voice to say so. It was most certainly the communication without shame that made these explorations possible from a starting point of fun, openness and courage; the courage to talk out our deepest, darkest fantasies free from shame. Initially of course there's always the fear of embarrassment or discomfort - what if I reveal too much? what if that confession is one step too far? what if judgment enters the playground and leaves me feeling the bittersweet aftertaste of the confessional? So many people are told that what they desire and feel isn't 'normal' but who gets to decide upon this? I know that when I first discovered a partner who could talk dirty and match my own levels of filth, my sigh of relief was probably audible in the next street!

Communication is key for sure but is that enough? As with any aspect of a relationship, getting to know one another's intimate secrets and thoughts takes trust and time, though obviously if the sex you are looking for is a one-off hit, then lust and instinctive attraction take over. Starting from the premise of a general question, e.g., 'what makes sex great for women', I wondered what the answers would be, so I asked about 30 of my girlfriends and their responses were as varied as the number of body types there are in the world. Here are the abridged versions of some of their/our replies, many of which were duplicated:

"women love oral - simple"

"being able to get really pervy and feel utterly loved no matter what"

"raw sex appeal and the feeling of control/lack of control depending on the person"

"ribbed condoms and a man who will stay down for as long as it takes...oh and a nice cock"

"the right drugs and a good imagination"

"double penetration!....and to be able to feel totally at ease so that I can go wild and lose all inhibitions with an unselfish lover"

"love, security and lots of squirting (female ejaculation)"

"talking about what they are going to do whilst doing it"

"teasing"

"start with a massage, free the mind and the body follows"

"communcation"

I have two teenage girls - what do we teach our young girls about sex, sexuality and their bodies? How do we counter mainstream values if those values are limiting at best or repressive at worst? My daughter has already experienced labeling as a slut just because she enjoys sex and is not afraid to get the sex she wants. To me, that sucks BIG time and makes me both sad and angry. Has nothing changed? False images of what it is to be a woman surround us daily, most often in the media and those magazines supposedly aimed at women and young girls, and this can so easily perpetuate a sense of lack, so how do we change their thinking and bring confident, sexually comfortable young women into the world? We keep talking.

Some of my most inspiring mentors have been sexually open, confident women; writers, porn stars, sex workers, dancers, strippers, campaigners and the like. Women I met at the International Conference on Prostitution in LA many years back now, women who first provided a platform for me to express the full range of my sexual experiences. Women like Annie Sprinkle, Carol Queen, Nina Hartley, Scarlot Harlot, Tracy Quan, Cheryl Overs; all inspirational fabulous women who have shaped who I am in some way or another, and here's to the many more I've yet to meet!

For me, what makes sex great changes depending on where I am and what I need in my life at any given time, however it remains true that many of us are afraid to talk about sex in the same way we may talk about any other aspect of our lives and relationships. Why is that?

On that note; what makes sex great for you? please come in and get some good juicy chat going ~ you know it makes sense!

Fetish or Fantasy?

This is an old post, however having recently revived my blog page after a long haitus during which I destroyed most of my internet presence and writing/photos (folly I know but broken hearts do strange things to rationale), I'm so glad to have found a few bits and bobs that I'd like you to indulge me in re-writing and posting some of those lost pieces.

When does a fantasy become a fetish? Do men fetishise sex more than women? Are the sexes really programmed that differently or is this just another common myth? We have most certainly struggled to express our masculinity which in turn has a massive impact on men's true ability to comfortably express their femininity.

We hear told that women want hearts, flowers and romance and are often happier with a cuddle than a really good fuck, whilst at the same time we’re told that men are simple creatures, easily pleased and able to separate sex from love, but is this the truth? Are the genders really so different in the expression of our deepest desires and urges? I know that there is a huge part of me able to separate the two but it is rarely given free rein; subconscious fear of judgement?

When in bed with a lover a while back, I began to complain that I didn’t want to talk dirty but wanted to just “make love” for a change....you know…just you and me, simple, without all of the fantasy. I was pouting and complaining in a lighthearted kind of a way, but underlying this comment was a bit of a weekend ‘whinge’;

“Our sex life has become too pornified! Can we just make love please, never mind all of this fantasy?!”
His reply: “so are you suggesting you don’t enjoy our ‘play’ as much as I do?”

My first response was to state that yes, I thought perhaps he was more into it than I, at which point he called me on it. “But you have all kinds of fetishes in relation to sex, just as many as I do”. “No I don’t!” I responded a little too quickly. Simple. I denied it! And he called me again, this time giving examples of some of his ‘fetishes’ and offering me examples of what he considered to be some of mine. I began to contemplate whether this felt true, were these examples he was offering me really fetishes?

I asked for his thoughts on why men (most of the men I’ve known at least) seemingly enjoy a different kind of sex to women (as in fucking over love making). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not painting everything with a generalised brush here and I know there are cross-overs, however there also seem to be certain patterns I’ve noticed. Are men really so much more straightforward about it and able to separate sex and love? Why do they seem to shy away from what women refer to more as ‘love making’? Why do so many women seem uncomfortable getting the sex they may want and simply demanding a good fuck without being labelled a 'slut' or a 'whore' (both of which are labels I'm happy to embrace unless they're being delivered with physical threat).

His theory was that men are generally very task and object driven in life, and that this makes them feel very grounded. In sex they are no different. There is a ‘task’ at hand, an objective and a goal as outcome; to orgasm and ejaculate. He suggested that the more ‘touchy-feely’ approach often favored by women makes men feel uncomfortable as it’s too intangible, too much weighted in feelings and the subjective as opposed to actions and the objective. I found this fascinating.

We continued to talk - when does a fantasy become a fetish? He mentioned several of what he thought of as my ‘fetishes’. No, I disagreed; I fantasise about that but it’s not a fetish. There’s no obsession there (in the first example or two he offered at least). Then he mentioned two more, one not even sexually motivated, and it was here that he finally found an admission. Yes, I admit to having a fetish…about shoes, and one for the smell of my own panties after a long day at work, which I find totally erotic. There may well be more.

We discovered that for both of us, a fetish usually creates a physical trigger and is inherently related to the body, whereas a fantasy often remains happily placed within the realms of the imagination, or the mind. So for example (using shoes as it’s more convenient to illustrate my point), when I’m shopping and see gorgeous shoes I have to seriously battle not to stop, touch them, sniff them, try them on and admire them, and then fight even harder not to buy them when I cannot afford them or don’t actually need them. I become physically stimulated and this stimulus is directly connected to my sensory awareness and the erotic drive in me. I lust after them and feel driven to fulfill this fetished urge. When I’m wearing certain shoes, I become the fetish object and I feel powerful in good heels. By contrast I have a big doctor fantasy yet I can happily enter a GP’s surgery and not get triggered into physical response (inappropriate to begin touching the doctor!), therefore I consider this a fantasy rather than a fetish. Were I to get a Pavlovian response to the examination table for example, or to the stirrups, then I would call it a fetish.

Men, it would seem, have many more fetishes than women, or at least my man has many more than I do! He offered examples of all of his male friends and the things he/they fetishise about; panties, hosiery, air hostesses, cheerleaders, white knee-high, socks, cunnilingus, spanking, and so much more, yet for me, though I may enjoy playing with some of these things, for the most part they remain ‘fantasy’ and do not invoke a physical response or any kind of mildly obsessive behaviour.

Does this difference (if you agree there is one) between the sexes hold true for others? Is it bound to cause problems? Can it be understood and accepted thus creating a more peaceful way of being in relationship? What would it take for couples for whom there is a vast chasm between their mutual understanding and desires to feel comfortable with each others sexuality? So far I have found about 4 things I’d consider having a fetish for whereas my lover hadn’t stopped formulating his list before it was time to get up!

Do you have a fetish? Are you able to express it/indulge it? Do you have to keep your fetishes secret? What do you consider to be the main difference between fantasy and fetish and do you believe there is a gender distinction in evidence with this?

I've re-considered some of this since separating from the lover in question, and talking recently with a male friend, we discovered we were both equally desiring of balance in our sex life; a bit of 'sensuality. coupled with a bit of lustful hard fucking seems to be the perfect balance, regardless of gender. I'm also more inclined to think that the line between fantasy and fetish is far less clear than that given in my examples above. I could quite happily feel a physical trigger to my doctor fantasy and were social norms different, indulge in it following the response of my clearly wet pussy!

Now that's undeniably physical.....so perhaps ultimately it's all just a matter of self control?