Foot Fetish anyone?

Good evening readers. Well, today's hot topic is the foot, or to put it more precisely, the fetishisation of the feet! I recently stumbled across the youtube channel of GeishaKia, a fascinating woman with as diverse a range of interests and inspirations as you may find, who sees herself as a modern day Geisha, sexual healer and communicator.

I came across Kia through a short fundraising video posted by a friend on my Facebook page, which was a collaborative piece with Canadian Sexual Healer James Smith. Kia and James are working to raise money to produce a short film entitled "Soul Sex: The Five Gateways to Sexual Ecstasy" which you can find out more about here. It's well worth the time it takes to watch the video and bring some sexual healing to the planet; lord knows we need it! Anyhow, Kia I discovered also has a very successful youtube channel which seems mostly to revolve around her various musings on her feet. Discussions, many shots from many angles, toenails painted and not painted, short and long, manicured and natural, all manner of toe-styling, and judging from the number of hits on her videos, this is no minority fantasy, in fact there's even a dating site devoted entirely to foot fetishees!

Now, I've always known that many people have a fetish for feet, but never quite realised how many. Indeed one of my friends once uploaded, as a lighthearted jest, a clip of her party trick whereby she 'plaits' her toes, one over the other, all five in a most peculiar and double jointed manner. She was amazed by how many hits and comments her video received and it's fair to say, could perhaps have made a more lucrative living out of this party trick! I became fascinated.

(feet above are mine)

On digging around, I have discovered that it is the part of the body that the far greater number of people will have a fetish about. There are active online forums, there are websites, hell there may even be a 12 step program for all I know and it's not breasts, genitalia, or buttocks. Not noses, lips or tongues. Not necks or shoulders or the delicate curve of a belly, but feet causing all the rumpus. I guess it follows then that the next greatest clothing fetish is going to be shoes and boots and we've all heard of that one hey - "Mistress may I lick your boots clean please?" but what drives a person to become obsessed with footwear and the feet? I'm intrigued? I'd like some brave souls to step in and answer here if anyone should stumble across my blog too. What exactly is it that makes the foot so damn sexy?

Is it the absolute epitome of worship as the very thing that connects us to this earth? So symbolic that religious mythology would have us believe that Mary Magdalene washed the feet of Christ with her tears as penitence for being a fallen woman. Although it is now widely held that this was in fact Mary of Bethany and that the issue of fallen woman making right her sins is no longer associated with the washing of the Christ's feet, it remains a potent metaphor for redemption. But what of modern day foot fetishists then? Come and share your fascinations. Reveal all, for in the juicy arena of sexual preference all manner of wondrous things lie! Watch Geisha Kia devouring her own feet smothered in peanut butter and jelly; not everyone's cup of tea but pretty intriguing nonetheless. And if you like it there's more on her lovely website here too - enjoy!

Switchblade Sentiments (The Evil Bite of Mistress Claudia Bellocq)

Many moons ago, I dreamt of publishing my writing. A collection of flash fiction with an autobiographical angle. Some just products of my fertile imagination, others based in the sometimes grim reality of sex work, drug addiction and dysfunctional relationships. NOT the miserable read you may be expecting though, Claudia's writing provided a platform for an exorcism of sorts, and is described by her publisher as: "Transformative erotic fables of self-discovery and healing. By turns darkly cathartic, life-affirming and transcendent, the short pieces in this book map the shamanic journey of a woman's life from the socially-conferred status of victim to total integration with her sexual and emotional destiny." It is a fair synopsis as Claudia's life transformed itself through her writing over a three year period. Many of the skeletons that had been dancing in her closet, are dust now as a result of shining some light on them via these candid tales.

Here, for your intrigue, is the 'blurb' from the back of the book as written by Claudia herself: "The collection of writings in this book served as exorcism of sorts. Begun in the middle of 2007, in the middle of a turbulent relationship, in the middle of a re-birthing, in the middle of Manchester UK, the pieces came through me as if I were simply the vessel. They are in the main, an autobiographical indicator as to the path of my life. Once they were written, it was as if I lay spent, unable to bring forth any more stories. They were out of me and on the page. I felt like a mother staring at her bloody baby in the moments after birth. What was once inside me and so integral to me now sat outside me kind of staring back at me with the same inquisitiveness with which I in turn, looked upon it. It was not a pretty baby, but it was a baby full of character. Isn’t that what they say about curious people, places and things, that they are full of “character.” Ugly? Too harsh. My ex considered them dark and negative, I considered them healing, liberating, positive. Probably why he's an ex. These writings have become my my ex, the one I continue to love. I hope you see the dark, light and shadow in them that is in all of us and in everything. Duality creates segregation and creates fear. Unity breeds community. I'll strive for that goal any day." You can buy a copy of the book direct from Lulu by clicking here or via the amazing ParaPhilia Magazine by clicking here and going to Onerios Books.

Gender bending & the construction of sexual identity

I recently completed a homework assignment in my sexuality study course which posed the question "what does it mean to be a woman (or man) in today’s world"? I answered from the female perspective as it’s my gender and therefore the part I’m most equipped to answer. That said, one thing I know is that for every response I have about what it means to be a woman in todays world, there is a knock-on cause-effect response on what it means to be a man. The question, seemingly so simple, yet so complex - what is it to be a woman? What makes a woman? How should women ‘behave’ and what expectations of womanhood (or manhood) do we carry? Are notions of masculinity and femininity entirely the results of social construct, where gender is biologically defined?

What chance do we have in the face of such early 'programming' as seen in the above girls babygro image, not just in the pink/blue separation separating boys from girls, but in the idea of girls as 'princesses' and boys as mummy's little monsters? Boys are trouble and girls are princesses? Really? 

From the moment we emerge into the world one gender or the other by definition of our physical biological gender assignment, we are hit by expectations that shape our concept and awareness of what it means to be a boy or a girl. For girls, pink clothes, instructions on how we should play (nicely), what we should be playing with (dolls, prams, toy kitchens and home making etc), followed by lower academic expectations and subjects in school showing gender bias, i.e arts and home crafts (less girls in woodwork, sciences etc) and for boys maths and sciences (less boys in home economics, needlecraft etc). As girls we are told not to be so ‘aggressive’ or to be more ‘modest’, whilst boys are told they need to ‘man up’, not be so soft, not to cry or show feelings. As we already mentioned, girls are given dolls, boys given toy tool boxes and trucks. Our dresses are frilly, our activities tailored to suit. Boys get hard sportsmanlike activities, clothes are simple and representative of maleness and yet the gender spectrum reaches far beyond these narrow and restrictive confines.

(photograph by Nan Goldin)

When my children were younger, one of my close friends had a son the same age as my own son. This boy, from the age of around 4 years old was VERY clear he wanted to wear only girls dresses; this lasted for about a year and a half. My friend, being a politically aware and savvy woman decided to let him explore this desire without censorship on her part as his parent. Her son wore the most amazingly frilly pink and blue satin dresses everywhere he could throughout this time of his self expression. My friend's partner, the boys father, was very much less comfortable with this and whilst he would allow/indulge it at home occasionally, he felt very strongly that it should not be allowed outside fearing his son would get bullied and picked on, and actually stating that "it’s dangerous in my view”. My friend took her son to the local swimming pool one day. He had been in his dress, the pink satin throughout the day and she saw no reason to change him. They dressed to swim in the female changing rooms as would be expected of a mother with a young dependent child. Half way through the father came to take over the swim session so my friend could go to work, swapping bags so that he could dress him for outdoors again afterwards. When it came to the end of the swim, dad took his son into the mens changing rooms to do so and was horrified to find that he had to dress his son in the pink dress he’d arrived in. The shame he felt as father, the embarrassment, the discomfort was enormous and caused a huge argument between my friend and her partner about the fact “this has to stop”.

(image: Buck Angel, one of the more well known contemporary female to male gender reassignments)

 Well, my friend felt strongly that her son should be free to wear girls clothes, just as girls often define as ‘tomboys’ and have that freedom afforded to them, yet the reverse was evidently so much more problematic. Their son outgrew this phase soon after that dispute, and spent the next four year dressing only in dinner suits with natty shoes and bow ties. He was clearly a boy who liked to indulge his imagination and desires. So what is to be learnt from this exploration and our adult discomforts?

How hard it is for a child to express the many different aspects of their identity as it develops? This boy has grown into a young teenager with no apparent leanings toward any particular gender or status in his sexuality, perhaps largely due to his mother’s permission, perhaps not. What this story raises are some really serious questions about gender, social constructs, fear and prejudice.

As a woman who has really known the exploration of sexual identity in my life, I have some important insights into what it means to be a woman, these ranging from a personal level to a social level. I have most certainly experienced censorship of my behavior and have experienced as much pressure to be ‘feminine’ and ‘beautiful’ as I have limitation of expressing ‘masculinity’ and other less womanly behaviours. We are fed on an almost constant drip-feed of social conditioning, ideas about gender, relationship and sexuality. It’s almost impossible to escape it in fact, so those who know they do not ‘fit’, do not conform to expectations, are almost all of the time squashing themselves into being less than they may want to be, sometimes fearful for their safety if they do not. Remember the case of the transsexual MTF in Macdonalds in the US who was beaten severely in FULL PUBLIC VIEW for using the women’s restroom? This kind of violence is endemic in a culture that does not tolerate difference. That cannot think outside the box. So for me, being a woman in today’s culture is a statement of political, personal and social intent a lot of the time. I love womanhood, I enjoy being female and I'm very aware of my gender and the implied expectations and boundaries within this. I define my sexuality as bi-sexual and whilst I currently identify within heterosexual and monogamous parameters, it has not always been this way and may not always be in future - who knows. I think women have this easier in the main than men, exploring our different aspects I mean. Men who want to wear women's clothes are far more likely to experience violence as a result than women who choose to wear mens clothes. I remain very conscious of my sexuality and the wonderful expression of it, as it's a place of real delight and adventure for me. I wish it were the same for everyone.

(photo Diane Arbus)

If I'd known then what I know now.

Good morning all! First off let me say how prophetic my last post turned out to be. Reading it back again this morning I was struck by the horrible irony of my words as I thought I had lost a partner to my work, a partner I love very much indeed who decided that for him, my tantric path was too much to manage and so we arrived at the point of ultimatum; "It's your work or me."

When something is your soul calling, you can't really ignore the messages; the joy and the pleasure inherent in your 'work'. You can't ignore the certain knowledge of the healing potential you experience in offering your work in the world, and having taken a long time to get to this point, I knew in my heart what my answer would have to be in that moment. Following your dreams is important, creating a life that works for you is important. It doesn't mean that every step of the way will be easy of course, life isn't like that and in balance, nor should it be. There is light, dark and shadow in everything, and it's inevitable therefore that this contrast will be reflected in us, and this is where the lessons lie. Sitting with the shadow, I admit to moments of self doubt - would it not be easier to just settle for the ordinary and never rock the boat? Would it not be better to avoid judgment and criticism by playing safe?

*artwork by Niagara Detroit.

It's fair to say that I've lived much of my life outside the box, gathering a beautiful wealth of experiences that really informs what I choose to do now. To step back into a box then, at exactly the time I am making sense of it all would be a complete waste of potential, but are there other possible outcomes? Building my tantra practice and my healing work is an absolute joy for me. Those who know me understand how perfectly this work makes sense of all my life experience and I know I have a great deal to offer others in supporting their own mind/body/spirit expansion, so to give it up completely is out of the question. Rarely has anything unfolded so beautifully and effortlessly, though rarely have I also been called to defend my position on something I choose to do quite so much but I guess working with sexuality will do that, it's a big, and very charged arena to step into, but a very rich one too.

Tantra is an incredibly powerful and healing practice. Many of us in the west spend far too much time in our heads, bombarded daily with images and ideas about love, sex, and about what our bodies should look like. Cosmo magazine purports that us women should be having multiple orgasms with accommodating partners or we're off. Heat and other gossip magazines criticise women's bodies and mens behaviour in a constant stream of dross. OK and Hello present some vile picture-perfect sanitised version of life, a kind of love that makes my toes curl, and most other mainstream media sits very squarely on the side of what society deems 'normal', rarely venturing to challenge those 'norms'. What tantra does for me is begin to break down the barriers, open the heart and still the mind. Changing the circuitry if you like, starting to think and more importantly, to feel differently. It's not all about sex. It's not all about 2 day sex and orgasm marathons as Sting purports, and to name it such does it a great injustice. There is a beautiful history in there, originating in India centuries ago that is fascinating and enriching to delve into. In modern terms, neo-tantra as it has been coined, holds the potential for us to live fully in our juicy, sensual, and joyful potentials.

Sacred touch offers us a moment of peace within our busy lives, offers the opportunity to really start to connect with that longing for intimacy, for touch, for healing and for sensual pleasure. We begin to listen to ourselves and our bodies in ways that aren't possible when we're racing around in a constant state of busyness, and we begin to do that most precious of things, give ourselves and others the gift of our attention. To truly give attention requires presence, energy and commitment to the moment. Tantra fosters living in the moment via real body awareness and a focus on our ability to shift our energy back into alignment in any given moment. No separation or disowning of the body, of sexuality, or of the physical as exist in so many practices or religions. No over focus on any one aspect of the self, more a composite move towards living in true balance.

Two of my recent clients have told me at the end of their sessions, that they had never experienced anything like the peace they found in the time we worked together. Another, a friend, said he hadn't felt such stillness and calm in over 8 months of turmoil and struggle in his life/mind. Why should we not be able to access that level of healing on a daily basis? What limits us and what do we settle for? This practice isn't new, it's incredibly ancient. It's us who have forgotten what we once knew. My commitment to my life, to my self and to my healing work is that I honour everything it offers and brings. I enjoy my clients, I have compassion and I work from the heart. If you wish to discuss my work or book a session, please email me at tantraheart@rocketmail.com or visit my profile on tantralink.

It's not where you've come from but where you're going....

Imagine a crossroads....now imagine a choice. You can see a road behind you, you know that road well because it's where you just came from. It's rugged, the rocks scratched your feet to ribbons, the hurdles were many but you arrive at this mid point, looking around you knowing you can, at any point, choose to go back. It may be safer now that you know the perils; it may not be but at least it's the devil you know.

Now imagine a new possibility, that any of the other three roads could lead to bliss, achievement and fulfilment and weigh that up against more of what you left behind, a bondage of the most tiresome kind. Every day in every moment we can choose to make different decisions, to shift our energy (the essence of tantra), renew our perspective, understand that we are bound only by our own self imposed limitations.

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." (T.S.Eliot)

So sometimes when life challenges us to really break free of those bonds and step into our dreams, or simply into new possibilities, who are we to get in the way?

When we finally come to those lucid mounts where if we are truly awake to the calling of our own souls, we hear the voice of our passion crying out to our spirit to fulfil its divine purpose, we need our warrior selves to carry us forward through fear, hesitation and anything else that may limit our growth. My mother always taught me that even though you may try, you cannot ignore the voice of your own conscience. It's the ever present barometer which keeps us in check and lets us know how far on or off track we really are. We can mould, manipulate and deny, but the voice will tell us the real truth, over and over and over. Learning to separate the voice of truth from ego can be tricky but we have only to look at our own personal 'hero's journey' to understand how the lessons of our past inform our future.

My own hero's journey revolves around sexuality and sometimes, people working with sexuality face a great deal of less than ordinary challenge. One of my teachers recently said that "it takes great courage to stand true in this work" and I knew exactly what she meant. Having faced many prejudices or short sighted judgments through my life, understanding why sex workers call for sex worker only support forums, and having seen how the most well intentioned supporters can diminish the real experiences of those who sell sex, or who work with the naked body (soul) or of those who love those who work in the arena of human sexuality, I know it isn't always an easy path to tread. Sex and money can set off people's fears like nothing else (though I think I'd much rather be a wanker than a banker any day!)

Do you work with sex and sexuality? what's your experience of getting support for the key issues you face? I'm currently looking into setting up a sex workers support forum or group and would love to know what YOU would want to know. What kind of support is missing for sex workers? I used to belong to an excellent internet based forum called Whorenet, which is alas no more, and which provided a really valuable arena for discussion and support. There were several forums within the main hub, one for sex workers only, one for supporters of SW's and others for more general political and philosophical debate, but it's long gone now. Whilst there are others, there isn't much as far as I can see, but if anyone knows of more, please share here. There are groups and forums for just about every profession there is, and yet when it comes to the oldest profession, it seems to be the last watering point along the path when it comes to resources. Please, share your blogs and links...light the way for others at the crossroads who may feel alone, isolated or out on a limb.

And if you're working as a self determined sex worker, celebrate your choices and step into your power. Anything less is living half a life and why do that...it's way too precious to squander.

In Memory of Robyn Few

please take a moment to listen to this interview by the incredible activist Robyn Few, who sadly died yesterday (13/9/2012). A real loss to the world of sex work activism, Robyn gave of her life to stand up and truly be who she is in the world, facing prejudice, bigotry, stigma and all that being open about being a sex worker can bring. I truly admire her perspective and her courage. Listen to her frank words about sex work prejudice and why she was so committed to doing what she did. It will touch your heart and deepen your understanding...I hope!

The words in the tribute below are Kirk Read's, though I could speak them in the same way. For me the key sentence is "look around your life and see what you can do to improve life for sex workers" which could apply to any campaign for civil liberty for freedom and the right to choose what we do with our bodies/lives where adult consent is key. The part of the interview on speaking your truth is really important (around 7 mins in). As you may have guessed, this stuff is hugely important to me. Here follows the words of Kirk -

"Robyn Few was a deeply great American who passed away today. She was a soulful, rootsy activist who founded the Sex Workers Outreach Project (SWOP) and helped organize the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers (in December). She was active in the medical marijuana movement and had a wildly infectious laugh. She never turned into a policy wonk and she never sold out her ideals for the promise of "working within the system." She was a street level outreach activist who believed that all people could be leaders. She inspired legions. Look around your life and see what you can do to improve life for sex workers. If you live in California, vote NO on Prop 35, which sounds like it protects children when in actuality it is a right wing panic-driven measure which victimizes sex workers and many other classes of people. Reject the Moral Panic. Celebrate Robyn Few, one of our best ever. Hers was a life lived generously. We are lucky that we can point to her as an ancestor. Thank you so much, Robyn!"

Why my work is important to me.

A therapist today suggested that I write out a list of why my work is important to me. The premise for this suggestion was to appease the concerns and deepen the understanding of my work, and its place in my life, for someone important to me who was/is struggling with what I do (Tantric Massage Therapist & Healer). It also comes on the back of several experiences of sex worker prejudice I've recently encountered, both obvious and subtle and the difficulty I've realised there is in finding ongoing support networks and forums for those of us who do work directly with the body and sexuality. Supervision is important, but so is peer directed sharing and it's not easy to find it. Why is that?

Feeling despondent this evening after a tough day where I've really felt the fifty shades of sexworker phobia, I was blessed to find in my Facebook news feed this article by the very articulate Pamela Madsen. This went some way to restoring my faith that there is a tide of change, that people are willing to step out there, courageously, and light the way for this change to happen.

Joseph Kramer, the subject of the article, is a well known pioneer in the field of human sexuality, as are Betty Dodson, Annie Sprinkle, Barbara Carrelas and so many more teachers and truth seekers, sexual renegades and heart-touching healers and I salute them all. Sincerely I do, for they have helped me make sense of my life and my journey so far.

As a former escort and sex worker (I still identify as a sex worker though my work is now significantly different than it was back then), my life has followed a clear and distinct thread, that being a willing, and sometimes not so willing exploration of sexuality. I've experienced many different aspects of the sex industry; escort work, call girl, street sex worker, phone sex, I've played in fetish clubs. Tried many different types of relationship too; open, closed, vanilla, kinky, dysfunctional, co-dependent, independent and more. At around the age of 30, I met a man who was to become the father of two of my children and step father to my third. My explorations continued through that relationship by mutual consent.

That lovely man, with whom I still maintain a very treasured friendship and co-parenting role, knew all about my background pretty much as soon as we met, and it was he who first encouraged me to travel to the USA to a conference there which was to change my life. ICOP (International Conference on Prostitution) gave me a means with which to bridge my former sex work experiences with my life as it was post-sex work, and to connect with my sexual politics in general. I met so many fabulous women and men there who were to continue to influence me to this day, many of whom have become friends and ongoing contacts in the world of sexual freedom advocacy and sex worker rights campaigning. They are pretty inspirational people. They do really important work. Carol Leigh, I salute you! Too many to mention individually, I salute you all! I'm deeply honoured to be walking in the footsteps of such incredible innovators and such courageous spirits. Devoting your life to change, especially in the field of sexuality, is not always an easy choice, but it's a truly valuable one.

So, my work is important to me for several reasons, the first and foremost being that through my direct experience of so many aspects of sex work, I came to notice that there was something really missing in the arena of sex and the fulfilment of desire. I recognised as a post-forty year old sex worker, as opposed to a rather naive 18 year old one, that I could dialogue in different ways with my clients, who were now my peers rather than my significant elders. What I began to see was that there was something my clients were desperately seeking and not getting in their relationships (with themselves as much as the 'other') but the problem was that my own autonomy in work could not be fulfilled and therefore my creativity in my work was stunted. I was being sent on jobs I didn't want to go on, having to allow my boundaries to be defined by the agent, rather than my own judgment, by expectations of the set and setting over the desire to find something deeper and yet it was obvious my clients often wanted a deeper connection too. Don't get me wrong, this was far bigger than the "my wife doesn't understand me" syndrome, but reached out into the very evident need for intimacy, human connection and touch, a kind of 'I don't just want to fuck, I want to feel and be felt, hear and be heard, change and be changed' mentality. An opportunity was presenting itself to me, but I wasn't quite sure where to go with it.

As I'd now trained in massage, I began to see a way in, however it was only in discovering Tantra that I simultaneously experienced the marriage of the sensual, spiritual and sexual which finally gave me the voice I needed to step into my life work in a way that feels natural, powerful and healing for me. Tantra has allowed me to make perfect sense of my life, my own healing journey and my deep and ongoing commitment to sexual transformation and freedom. My work involves full body (including genital) contact, and that my friends, in 2012, would seem to still be a highly charged area that touches and triggers people's individual fears pretty deeply, and still sees the accusation "whore" being flung around as if the label 'whore' is a dirty word anyway! After years of working with agency for sex worker rights, I really object to the word whore, slut, slag, tart or any other such defamatory label being used as an insult. So what if you/I am...you've no right to judge. EVER. Slut shaming in 2012? Get over it!

So, after years of working under pseudonyms for fear of judgment, isolation, family rejection or suffering and more, I am now working under my own name and beginning the process of really starting to say to the world "this is who I am" and this is what I do. To me, a body, nakedness, truthful sexual expression and integrity are all such valid and soulful aspirations that I fail to see how what I do can remain so vilified. My experience of it is deeply healing, what I see, my friends, or rather my 'tribe' as I refer to my sexual pioneering 'family', are all doing such amazing work, and I fail to see how that can be wrong.

The World Health Organisation's definition of health is as follows:

"Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity"

In this spirit, I see health around me in the intention behind the work of these people whom I admire, and in my own intention that's really clear. My work is important to me because I believe that I am absolutely using my life experience to create healing opportunities for those who may be struggling to find their own 'health', and ultimately I cannot imagine doing anything less.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Robyn Few, founder of SWOP, USA and tireless advocate for sex worker's rights. Robyn will be sorely missed. R.I.P xx