The Lion's Den

It's the night before the event of the year people! Tomorrow, at a secret venue in London, the Erotic Oscars are announced, and the country's perverts, pleasure seekers and pace setters gather and celebrate their diversity and their right to free sexual expression (consenting + adult as per...)

The hard work and organisational skills which go into getting this event set up need no explanation, save to say that many of us are eternally grateful for the devotion and discipline shown in managing such an event. 

I've been nominated this year in the category 'Campaigner of the Year' and I'm both honoured and exited. I'm in great company in so many of the categories, an overwhelming array of talent indeed. You can see the finalists listed here 

Personally, this is my path in life, to bring healing and intimacy into the world to the best of my ability. To restore health, passion and pleasure into the lives of those who feel disconnected or at a loss and in this capacity, I am fiercely committed to the right to self determine and express our own sexuality. I always seem to feel the need here to insert the proviso that I'm talking about ADULT CONSENTING sexual freedoms here as so many seem to feel threatened by sexuality and it's very nature. It's like the great big theatre where all of our shadows, demons, fears, insecurities and histories are most certain to come and join us! But fret not, the good news is that when we begin to befriend them, there'a a jewelled path to pleasure awaits us if we're willing to risk exploring. It's significant to me that I still have to add that proviso to rebut the claims of those who conflate sexual freedom with harm, trafficking, oppression etc etc, as if one did not have the intellect to distinguish those states from the right to choose what we do with our bodies and with whom. 

For sex workers, it would seem that we remain the scorned woman, the one who represents the great fall from grace, the absence of the sacred, the harlot, the temptress and the whore. Why is that? A recent letter from the feminist Rahki Kumar to Michelle Obama could not have laid out on the alter this sacrificial lamb any clearer. The letter you can read here. What do YOU think? I'd be interested to hear?

Now, I have real issues with this letter. I've been working for over 30 years in sexual freedom activism and sex work rights campaigning, and I am sick and tired of people equating all that's bad and negative around sex work with poor and disempowered versions of womanhood. What if a woman WANTS to celebrate her independent sexuality, and chooses to sell sex? Not all sex workers are trafficked, drug addicted, pimped victims, and the stats quoted in the letter are unfounded and untrue.

Now then, if a person (man, woman, trans, child) is trafficked into any kind of indentured labour, and  not just sex, but sweat shops or dreadful demeaning jobs, or hang on even corporate immoral bondage!, well then yes, we should offer the support that is needed, as defined by those people experiencing that issue (otherwise it remains patronising and moralistic) to help them change their lives. It is possible to have a sacred soul that includes sexual freedom and the celebration of sexual FUN. So what if my nipples show whilst I'm celebrating, that doesn't invite anyones judgement (women get raped for wearing the wrong clothes - tell the attackers to stop raping!). If I want to wear a sheer bodysuit, let me. 

I agree that there are huge aspects of Beyonce's and many other pop icons (and other role models) imagery and lyrics etc that are problematic, largely as they/we are so manipulated by the media, but let's stop bloody equating this women's emancipation with a purity that for me, is actually quite alarming and certainly does NOT speak to me in any way at all. I have sacred sex, AND I enjoy it, and sometimes I wear outrageously sexy clothes when I'm having it! No...my letter would read VERY differently, Let's stop marrying poor role models with unproven stats about sex work, it's not a pretty liaison and it's erroneous, harmful and does women no favours whatsoever.  

Celebrate your sexuality as you choose, respect others, have fun or get the support you need. Not too much to ask is it?

And in the meantime, good luck to all of the finalists tomorrow! Have a great one. 

Sex Work as a Feminist Statement

Happy Beltane everyone! I've been away from the blog the last couple of months setting up my new healing centre, focussing on developing my client practice and how to integrate that with my other health and wellbeing work. Those who know me, know I'm an ardent juicing proponent, and I'm slowly moving towards a more raw food diet. All of these aspects of my life have been flying around needing my attention, hence a slow trickle through the blog. I've also been giving more talks on sex work, its relationship to feminism and sexuality in general, which I really enjoy. For me it's a crucial part of spreading the word about sex work, of taking the real voices of sex workers further into the community and going some way to shattering judgment and prejudice.

I've never professed to be an academic. I've never claimed to be an expert on anything. In fact, it's fair to say that I have a tendency to mistrusting anything or anyone who presents themselves as being somehow more able to express an opinion on something based upon pure theory as opposed to life skills or experience, and a great suspicion of anyone laying claim to the mantle 'guru'. In my time as a drug publications researcher and support worker, coming across many drug workers with absolutely no experience of what it really feels like to live under the omnipresent shadow of addiction, I came to understand very clearly that it's important to listen to the voices of those who know how it feels to live something. If you want to know how it feels to live with addiction, ask an addict. If you want to know how it feels to run a marathon, ask a long distance runner. If you want to know how it feels to build a shopping mall, ask a construction worker, and if you want to know what it feels like to sell sex, ask a sex worker. That would be logical right? That would make sense wouldn't it? So why are sex workers so consistently and routinely omitted from any serious debate and discussion around health, social and law reform that directly impacts them? Why are they so deliberately ignored, and told they are deluded if they dare to suggest they not only choose their work but have opinions on it?

Explain it to me would you.

Most objections I hear seem to come from the basic premise "but no woman would ever choose to do that would she" and here I find the concept of choice really quite fascinating. Of course we may well choose to engage in sex for money, why not? Why do we still get so stuck on the idea that something that can be immensely pleasurable can at the same time make us some money? Why is it okay to trade our time, skills, expertise in other areas, but not our bodies, and who gets to decide that morals, which are generally entirely subjective, suddenly hold court over our capacity to make a self determined good living. Note the key words there "self" and "determined". We're not talking about coercion, non consensual or trafficking here, we're talking about free will, about independent agency and the right that all people have to say YES to things as much as they have the right to say NO. So why is it still so damn tricky to speak out and say "I choose to earn a living exchanging sex for money." Is that so different from the other ways we may trade sex and our bodies for progress, favours, approval, security, things of value etc etc?

I recently came across a job description. The job title was 'Awesomeness Arranger' and was followed by an equally vacuous, extremely patronising and quite frankly outrageously sexist job description which included things like "a masters degree in making people smile", and "a degree in bubliness" as preferred qualifications. It also offered 'totally rad badges' as perks, and stated that 'girls' must not make duck faces, engage in unnecessary high pitched laughter or have bangs or small pet dogs. You get the jist.

By contract, I read this job description:
High hourly rate, flexible scheduling, a sexually safe work environment with carefully chosen and monitored staff. High standards of customer behaviour, a safe place to discover your sexuality and a supportive working environment.

The first was for a burrito chain, the second for a well know and highly regarded strip club, the first of its kind to become unionised by the women and men who who worked there with the support of those who ran the place. Which would you choose?

No job is ever all good, most are a mix of good days, bad days, dull days, frustrating days and inspiring days. Some more leaning toward the bad end, some the good, but the point is that it's important to focus upon working conditions just like any other job. We need to be focussing on what makes a job safe and healthy, and how can we operate within the law as far as is possible in accordance with the individual laws of each country and/or state.

"Prostitution is not a monolith. Each woman experiences the profession differently."

Again, just like any other job. Imagine this: I dislike the international trade in sweat shop labour, how it serves large conglomerates at the expense of real humanitarian consideration. Would I try to ban clothes? No! I'd look at improving the conditions, pay rates, breaks, work environment of those producing the clothes. We all need income, and as the song goes 'it's not what you do it's the way that you do it, that's what gets results'! Sex workers are still consistently ignored. As a marginalised group, can you imagine any other marginalised group being as constructively excluded from any debate around how to make things better for that group without consultation? Again - no.

And as Gail Pheterson puts it so well "the stigmatisation of prostitution and sex work underlies the social control of women"- I am most inclined to agree. My body, my choice.

My one plea if you're reading this; keep your heart open, your mind open and keep listening, and maybe slowly we will see change for the positive in this profession. Sex is the final frontier, it's where our fears, shame, anxiety, guilt and judgment can all find a cosy nesting place if we let them. So let's not let them any longer. Speak out and be heard. Listen and reflect, and above all have fun and stay safe.

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Most Definitely Sinned!

...and I enjoyed it! 

Today's blog post sees me rattled and I'm not afraid to admit it. Over the last months we have seen ever increasing revelations about sexual abuse, endemic in various institutions it would seem and historically covered up and then even 'justified' (i.e., the cover up) on some levels. Today, I log into my my lovely laptop to see a random number of comments about Kevin Le Vell, mostly joke oriented comments, just like those I'm sure we've all heard now about Jimmy Saville and the now de-moted pope Benedict (with a small p....). 

As the Vatican prepares to appoint a new Pope, it is staggering to me that those who knowingly concealed this abuse are being afforded the right to vote for the new pope, on the grounds that "wisdom is not (God)-given just to saints but also to sinners," and "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."* Well now, surely there's sinning and there's sinning, and who am I to judge? Well, In this case I do! Violating my rights to speak out about, and negotiate healthy consenting adult sex whilst hiding the distortions? Perpetuating the myths about the kind of sex we want or we're having and making inaccessible the bridges to moving towards a healthier attitude, that's where the true immorality lies.  

It's true that humour can be a really good way of taking the charge out of things. Only recently I had to give my young son some life lessons in managing bullying, suggesting that when bullies don't find a response, or emotional charge for you in what they come at you with, they usually leave you alone. Make light of it, turn it into humour or act mad, three top tips for dealing with crazy or aggressive behaviour. You can always try reason of course, and as an adult this will often work, less so with kids who generally shoot from the hip. But is it always appropriate to use humour in talking about really serious issues such as sexual abuse? No, I don't think it is really and here's why. 

It seems that something is going on, has been for years in fact, that is distorting our perspective on healthy sex. We peep into the lives of others, wondering if our own drives and desires are 'normal' or 'ok'. We have feelings we don't always understand and often can't manage, and without support, a friendly ear or an outlet, all too often the Ugly Sisters of secrecy, scandal and shame appear. We have come to confuse our feelings with our emotions, all too often acting on emotional triggers which are residue from feelings unexpressed in the moment, frequently childhood. As adults, its critical we start taking responsibility for our feelings and our actions, and the way to do this is to find our courage and support, our love and our honesty. Distorted behaviour comes from a marriage of fear and habit - simple, but it's not so simple to change that when we live in a society that generally jokes about or vilifies sex, sexuality and the body. 

My work focuses on moving into a healthy view of sexuality but it's way bigger than that really. It's about moving into intimacy and love through awareness and accountability. Now don't get me wrong here, people get twitchy when I speak about intimacy and accountability as if assuming that fast sex, hard sex, dirty sex and fantasy all get thrown out in this new age 'sacred sexuality', which it's fair to say they sometimes do, however my brand of coaching and bodywork most certainly doesn't jettison the baby with the bath water. Sex should be fun, it can be lewd and rude, funny and irreverant, or tender and soulful, sensual and aware. Actually, I am purporting that the connection and awareness is always there, but not at the expense of the bawdy irreverence. 

A wise woman once said "if you can't play with it's got you" but the problem is that so much about sex has well and truly got us by the metaphorical balls, and it's just not fun to be there. For me, rather than making jokes about Saville, Le Vell and the pope, why aren't we taking it seriously and looking at the cause not the symptom? Why aren't we asking ourselves what judgments we hold that contribute to this dis-ease, and it is a sickness we're looking at here. Health does not use the bodies of non-consenting people for their own pleasure. Women who get attacked because of the way they dress, or act, children who get abused because someone else is bigger than they are and just can...men who are smaller or slighter than other men, it doesn't matter what age, gender, culture or size you are, NO means NO! And guess what...so does silence. 

I can only give my consent when I give a voice to my feelings. I can only give my consent when I am old enough to make choices for myself. I can only give my consent when you allow me to negotiate and/or change my mind whenever I want. We are not in charge or runaway horses, wild stallions of no-mind, but in charge of brains and a capacity to evaluate, think and respond rather than react in any given moment, and if I can, you can!

And so to my next point. Many people find an open communication about sex to be 'distasteful' and yet it's in our secrecy that sickness is born. I think it's the height of hypocrisy to declare judgment on those who do, whilst all the while doing it yourself behind closed doors and with those who haven't even consented. Ironically, my lifelong commitment to sex work rights and campaigning for changes in the law is based entirely on the premise that what consenting adults choose to do with their money, their bodies and their sex combined is nobody else's goddamn business! If you or I want to pay for it, and if you or I want to sell it, please...a golden ticket to Nirvana for the person who can give me one good reason why this should be any different to the sale of our intellect, our creativity or our skills? 

Whilst you're considering this, take a moment to laugh in the face of this distortion, recognising it for what it is, all smoke and mirrors.  If we're going to make light of the symptoms, then at the very least we need to acknowledge the cause, and do something positive to change it. Change the dialogue around sex and the body, change the way we see intimacy, challenge the messages we give and receive about the body, about romance and love. THINK! Let's engage our brains, for they are beautiful and have immense capacity. And while you're at it, remember:

"Pleasure is medicine and love has the power to heal" and then ask yourself how you can love better and experience real pleasure.  

...all roads lead to the heart. 

*Source - Deccan Herald, Monday 25th Feb 2013.

Lessons of Living (according to the regrets of the dying)

This morning, in my early meanderings, I came across several things of interest. The first was an article in the Guardian newspaper listing the five top ten regrets of the dying. This article was re-posted from the blog of palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware, so I will post the original here as it seems only fair that Bronnie should have the web traffic directed to her as author. What Bronnie Ware came to observe was that the dying consistently held the same regrets about their living, and wished they had the foresight to change these things before meeting death, so what are these things?

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
2. I wish I didn't work so hard (mainly men quoted this one, not so hard to imagine why)
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier  

Expanding upon these, an overarching theme emerges. People's key regrets seem to hinge upon that which was felt but never expressed. The individuality that was concealed through fear, conformity or negative beliefs about what would happen if people truly allowed themselves to be themselves. So many of us temper our behaviour, thoughts and feelings using firstly our own 'JUDGE', the beast who resides within distorting our version of 'reality' by presenting us with a false one that is based upon illusion. Secondly we allow the 'judge' that belongs to another to hold court, and thirdly, the 'judge' that belongs to the collective, again an illusory construction. That judge is powerful (but not infallible) and I am inclined to think maybe he looks mean, spiteful and possibly a bit like this? But we'll all have our own versions of our inner and outer 'judges'.

 
Recognising when it's too late that personal freedom and happiness are CHOICES, we are left with the empty shell of regret, usually brought to us on the glistening carriage of its ugly sister bitterness. So how can we ensure that whilst still very much alive, we don't carry with us the baggage that will end up becoming our legacy? One of my teachers (Hilary Spencely) recently quoted this African saying: "When you are truly you, I can truly be me" - I love this. Do you get it? I mean really get it? Do you understand that when you stop self censoring, holding up the masks, hiding behind false fear and judgement, and step into your courageous, beautiful self, I too can do the same, and I can do this as the space that is created between us then contains truth, courage and respect. Doesn't that sound better than fear and loathing, bitterness and regret? What a gift we give each other in speaking our personal truth. Venturing into this it's important also to be speaking from the heart, but what does this mean?

 

 Marriage guidance counsellor Hedy Schleifer (pictured above) gave a remarkable TED TALK on the power of connection that really dives deep into this. The absolute clarity with which she speaks, takes us into the terrain of the power of what is is to truly listen to, and hear another. Of what it means to stay in the heart (compassion), and to speak the truth whilst remaining able to accept another's truth which may be totally opposed to our own. It may be that there is a cost in speaking your truth of course, but if the price we pay is deep regret in our dying moments, surely it's a cost worth paying, for if we never risk stepping out, we can be certain of one thing, that we will never find out what could have been had we taken that step. In terms of my sexual freedom activism and coaching, it's all about being true to who you really are. Finding a voice, finding your courageous heart and your full potential. Life is sweet, so let's make sure we're living it whilst we have it!

 

Making the world sexier one step at a time!

Good evening gorgeous readers! This week sees us just beginning to step into the first glimmers of spring (in the northern hemisphere at least) and I can feel the life pushing back up through the earth once again in her desire to renew and shake off the shackles of winter. Winter has been a tough one for me; many demons to slay, and as many stories to put to rest which required a willing surrender into the bowels of the underworld for my very own version of Persephone's dark night of the soul.

The thing with demons is this - until we know them and are willing to face them, they control us and we are effectively puppets on the strings of what my lovely friend Charlotte calls the 'pretender voices'. Over and over we return into our very own 'underworlds' driven there through false fears and outworn beliefs, most of which emerge as basic survival mechanisms in early childhood, and like some old Vietnam veteran who has never been told the war is over, we crouch in our self-made caves, all guns pointed out and ready for action. I have just spent a winter facing many of mine, retreating in order to really listen to my own body and soul, my spirit crying out for new ways of being.

In my retreat, I came to recognise something quite exciting and really liberating, that being that the things which have sometimes felt were my cross to bear are also my gifts. In other words my lead was my gold if only I could find the Alchemist's Key, and the key was simple actually - mastery of the ego mind and integration of experience. I'm blessed in my work, and I've come to recognise that 25 years of sexual freedom activism has not been a fruitless pursuit. A peach cannot be picked from a tree before it's ripe or the result will be hard, tasteless and lacking in juice, and just like life, when we move towards things before we are ready, the results will likely be the same. But when we are reedy, do we dare to eat the peach and transform the lessons into the teachings?

What can we do with our essential naturalness when it comes to sex? Sex is the grand theatre in which all of our deepest fears and insecurities are acted out, the body being the vessel for the drama. My life work has been crafted in assimilating lessons in sexuality or so it would seem. I truly believe that this is what I came here for, what I was contracted to bring to this planet - sexual healing, and boy do we need it! The more I work in this area, the more I see how many of us are crippled with fear, doubt and deep unmet longings for intimacy and connection. Bombarded by images of romance, love and sex, we race around like the proverbial headless chicken in pursuit of non-existent states of sexual and emotional fulfilment, all too often approaching prospective partners with a begging bowl of sorts, asking 'fill me up please' in silent and unacknowledged co-dependence.

Tantra provides a platform from which to dive deep into delicious and ecstatic states of union, starting exactly where we need to, with the self. My pledge to my clients, my self, my partnerships and my relationships on every level is to make the world sexier one step at a time. Not the 'sexy' of lacy knickers and huge valentines day displays of love of the kind that is sold to us, but the 'sexy' of the breath, the mind and the spirit in union, the sexy of the planet being healed through our consciousness, the sexy that can play with bondage but not be held captive to it, the sexy that can look as good in camouflage boxers as an Agent Provocateur basque, the sexy that just is rather than tries to be. I'll be coming back to this subject. It's a big one! Tell me then dear readers....what is sexy to you?

Sex Workers Speakeasy

Hello and welcome back! Today's post sees me launching my appeal to go to the Desiree Alliance Conference in Las Vegas Nevada, July 2013.

I wish to raise funds to get there to deliver a paper entitled 'Sex Workers Speakeasy', which will focus on how we, as current and former sex workers can represent ourselves in the media, arts and via powerful modern platforms such as social networking sites and crowd funding websites such as the Indiegogo one. Crowd funding offers us the opportunity to really put our money where our hearts, values and passions lie. We can donate to any project, person or cause that we endorse, thus ensuring that our worlds really DO reflect our personal values insofar as we can directly contribute to making things happen that we believe are important to better our world. I hope that you feel desiring of contributing to my personal Indiegogo campaign, which is linked to a longer term film project giving voices to the real experiences of those involved in the sex industry or sexuality work in general. Thanks and stay safe and stay sexy!

Fantastic Slut!

Happy New Year readers and welcome to the year of EROS! That's right lovely people, this year, in numerological terms adds up to a 6, the number for love, loving and lovers apparently, and here to demonstrate quite how wonderfully this works, is a lovely little photo from a village in Wales.

Well, now that we've got that clear, I invite you this evening to consider just what exactly the word 'love' means? What makes a good lover? What qualities is the concept of 'love' based upon? Monogamy? Honesty? Pheromones? Passion? Devotion? Or maybe it's simple - RESPECT. R.E.S.P.E.C.T find out what it means to me. I've just been publicly called a "fantastic slut!" Online, on a well known social media website, in front of a combined network of around 1,500 friends, I was called a 'fantastic slut' and do you know what, I am honoured! I'm not ashamed, shy, embarrassed or uncomfortable. I'm not guilty, anxious, angry or alarmed. I'm honoured.

The start of 2013 saw the tragic death of Jyoti Singh Pondey, thrown naked from a moving bus after the violent gang rape by 6 men, in public, and in the company of her male friend. Jyoti died several days later from the horrific injuries suffered in this vile and cowardly hate crime. As her attackers have been called to justice, already the courts and police are laying blame, not with Jyoti, nor her attackers, but with her male friend, for "allowing her to be out that late". How screwed up is that?!!! I am so hurt and angry that in 2013, these kind of violent crimes are still being blamed upon other people - not on the aggressors. I'm angry that a state of being which continues to accept that even in these times, in the dawning of a new age, in the year of eros, sexual violence still goes on, over and over and over - world over. Of course it's not simply confined to India, and it has to STOP. We are tired of being told that if we dance too provocatively, or wear our clothes too erotically, or walk down our streets too late at night, that we're "asking for it" - oh please attack me for minding my own business whilst you can't control your own primal urges or shagged reasoning. No! there is NEVER a reason to blame a victim of sexual (or other) violence whilst we all have the same options to gain mastery of our personal emotional and mental wellbeing. I would not rape a man wearing seductive clothing walking down a dark street...why are we cautioned then? What the F**K is that about?!!!!

Love is about respect. It's not about some media fed notion of romance, flowers and everlasting contentment. Relationships can be damn hard work, whether brief or long term. No, for me it's about respect. I think that women (and men) should be able to dress as they please, go where they want and live how they choose (adult + consent being key as always) free from attack and assault. Whether gay, straight or bi, polyamorous or monogamous, conservative or outrageously transgressive, RESPECT is the key. Sadly, morality all too often dictates legislation, and public perceptions are affected quite significantly by what are perceived as 'mainstream' points of view. If we don't stand up for the right to be self determined and understand what freedom truly means, nothing will change. So, when someone calls me a 'slut!' I will take that to mean 'wonderful sexually liberated woman' and celebrate my right to pleasure on my own terms. Here's to Slutdom, and long may it reign!