Monday 2 May 2011

The problem with sex

What's the problem with sex? Your divine Hostess Claudia came to ponder this question after several recent happenings led her fertile imagination and sharp intelligence to become alarmed by what is going on when we think sex, talk sex and have sex.

First off, I noticed that many men simply do not know how to pleasure a woman and have not the faintest idea what foreplay or arousal are designed for. Gentlemen...banging away like an industrial road drill against a woman's pussy or clit will not, and I mean NOT, garner you any favours. Most men don't even seem to think the clitoris is important. Male readers I invite you ~ share your thoughts. Do you know where it is? Do you know how to tease and arouse it? If not, here's a picture to assist your navigations!

...Or perhaps this may be a better way to find out?

Right then, now that we've got the biology out of the way, what's happened to our sex lives? There seems to be so much guilt, shame and fear associated with sex that we've become either paralysed or over invested in fantasy at the expense of true passion or sensuality, and let's not forget that sex is meant to be fun! I have a theory that somewhere in all of this lies a deeper problem, our issues with 'gender' and the way we allow gender to define us in a most limited fashion.

Thinking about this got me considering how so many men have not learned how to express their femininity, and conversely so many women have not learned how to express our masculinity. Men who feel drives other than 'macho' sometimes desperately crave the touch and feel of women's clothes and underwear or the expression of a more 'submissive' role in the bedroom. They may find the only way to let this out is by secretly dressing up in private, occasionally finding a someone or some others with whom they may share this 'secret'; defining themselves at it's most extreme as 'sissy' and risking ridicule and more shame for doing so.

Paradoxically when a woman expresses her masculinity, she is often labeled a 'ball breaker' or a Bitch and may be labeled by men and other women for rejecting the more easily accepted 'softer' feminine qualities like family, marriage and nurturing.

Artists such as Eric Stanton and Robert Crumb (and many more) have been illustrating the allure of such women for aeons yet these qualities are often highly desired and reviled at the same time; I want a Dominant whore as a lover but not as my wife....

This separation of masculine from feminine, and this limited labelling creates both desire and fear at the same time, yet often a desire associated with taboo. Meanwhile women and men are not getting the sex we want or need as self and other imposed restrictions limit our sexual freedoms. It is a rare pleasure to meet a man in touch with his feminity without being emasculated and a woman in touch with her masculinity without becoming 'hard'. In the bedroom the pleasure of discovering this flowing in and out of attributes can lead to an immensely pleasurable and horny experience. The extremes (woman as 'victim' or 'bitch', man as 'sissy' or 'macho') then ease up a little and the willingness to play and to adventure and explore become a whole lot more fun. I for one don't wish to be swinging between extreme polarities, nor do I wish to find yet another man struggling for....oooh let me see.....minutes (!) to find out how to pleasure me.

Three words: G-Spot, clitoris and liberation spring to mind. We are far too afraid of talking sex it would seem and even more afraid of admitting to feelings and desires that we have learnt to 'disown' and yet I believe these disowned feelings are at the root of all sexual violence and many relationship problems.

What are your views? Do you expect a woman (or a man) to look and behave within very restricted parameters? Do you allow for and celebrate diversity? Do you experiment with boundaries? And how much guilt, shame and fear do you live with as a result?


  1. I hope this gets to you. I can find my way around a clit and vulva and love oral and so do my lovers. My problem is my masculine side, I have never really learned how to fuck, problems with premature ejaculation, but never working to solve it. I was taught to respect woman and that led me to treat women like china dolls. I am only now at 57, learning about my sexuality, all of my kinks and how to be a good lover.

  2. Hi cb54, thank you for your comment. I don't think you're alone with this one you know...I've known many men who struggle with the same issues and I think it connects to a kind of inherent fear based upon several things, one of which may be what you've described (china doll syndrome) and another is perhaps more alarming which amounts to a deep rooted misogyny creating a kind of underlying violence, which is ultimately also fear based thinking.

    Many men learn to use oral to compensate, and believe me that's no bad discovery for a woman, however it would be good for us to be able to fuck for longer too. For me this is about really communicating openly about sex and for BOTH parties to be willing to dive in and explore their sexuality/sensuality together. That's the challenging bit.

    I'm so glad you're learning about your kinks now and hope you've found someone you can do that with?

    Love and lashes


  3. Having study the vagina, clitoris at depth over many years, and having askes the owners of these most excellent devices on how to satisfy them, I feel comfortable to say that I would ask you first then give you exactly what you needed. Every owner is quite different in how to successfully please them.

    On the macho and sissy part, I think deep down every single one of us is bisexual, it is just a matter of degrees.

    And to be graphic, sometimes I want my woman to put a pair of panties on me and fuck me with a strap on, sometimes I need her to be submissive to me.

    Great post...... now can you cum take care of me, bring your strap on we might need it. :)

  4. strap on at the bend over boy!

  5. I agree with H...that everyone is bisexual. It's society that teaches us to repress our sexual desires and put those desires in box A or box B.

    P.S. Claudia when you're done with H, let me at him. :)