Ex-Stasis

"Ecstasy n. A feeling of elation. From the Latin ex-stasis, standing outside oneself."

Many people search for it; through substances, work, fitness, meditation, and of course sex. What is it to be able to 'stand outside oneself'? Is it the thought of being able to view ourselves more objectively (too 'heady'), or is it simple a hedonistic pursuit of an ultimate feeling of bliss/pleasure? Are we so locked into our sense of self via the Ego that the moments where the ego disappears, or rather quiets down, give us that sense of ecstasy? Busy lives, busy world, busy minds. For many of us a moment of true calm is a rare thing.

Sex can certainly provide us with many opportunities to reach heightened states of bliss, but that said, the shadow side of sexual expression seems to me to be far more prevalent in our modern cultures. In countries where Tantra and Tao first originated, women are as repressed as they are in any other, so it's not simply the roots of a philosophical or spiritual practice that honor it's original meaning, it's the understanding of and practice of it thereafter surely that give it it's potency and true potential.

What's happened to us when it comes to sex? Violent one moment, guilt ridden the next, we seem to have forgotten the easy and natural pleasures of being a fully em-bodied sexual being. New age sexuality cuts the balls off sex, and the media gives us ten overblown botox-injected pairs on the other end of the spectrum, but it's all screwed! Sex education, for what it's worth focuses almost entirely on warning, prevention, protection from disease and pregnancy, or if you're luckier than that, how it should be saved until after you're in a deep and committed relationship (judgment).  You see where I'm going? Where are the teachings that our bodies and our sexuality are to be celebrated and enjoyed despite all of the finger pointing moralising? We don't talk about sex in celebratory ways, but far more often in taboo ways, if we even get to talking about it at all. It's like the big global secret that ever remains behind locked bedroom doors. Bad girls enjoy sex and need punishing and boys are 'just being boys' and we should turn a blind eye right?

As children we are rarely taught about what happens to our blossoming bodies and emerging sexuality and resort to awkward shame-laden fumblings beneath dark covers in the deep silence of nightfall. I've often been chastised by lovers for being "too noisy" when I cum! "What will the neighbors think?" Um...that I'm enjoying my sexuality maybe?

Sex is NATURAL! It's FUN! It can be immensely healing. And when it is suppressed, repressed, judged or flung into the arena of a moral high ground, it can be dangerous, destructive and scary. There are so many myths spread about sex, so many deceptions, so many lies (Cosmo hold your publishing hands up please!) We are made to feel that we are generally "getting it wrong" or if we're not, that our lovers therefore must be, as lofty ideals that paint pictures of perfect sex being hot and sweaty with orgasm as the ultimate goal are held ever before us as the Holy Grail of sexual fulfillment. Yet for many men and women, sex is something that causes great anxiety either before, during, after or all of the above! It is rarely seen as an opportunity for a spiritual experience yet to the Tantrics and the Taoists that's exactly what it was. The conscious channeling of sexual energy is seen as an opportunity for the dynamic integration of mind, body and spirit and for prolonging and improving drastically our health, vitality and longevity. So what could be better? So why do we think there is so much resistance o this natural state of bliss? It costs nothing, it improves much and we could become powerful, strong human beings by re-connecting with this very primal energy....and who could possibly be threatened by that right?

Fuck Me Harder....

...a.k.a, the porn sex myth.

So, your divine Hostess Claudia finds the cogs and machinery of her inner mind kicking into action once more. It's been a long break, much to ponder and many changes. I've given up tantra working as I fell in love and for me personally, I find it too hard to manage both love and sexuality work at the same time. God knows that relationships can be challenging enough without throwing client relationships into the mix and add into that full time day job and 3 kids...well you get the picture; even Superwoman would falter!

My default setting is to overDO rather than overBE, and when I'm in full swing acting this out, I admit to a tendency to burnout. Sound familiar? well, my medicine for burnout can be sex. I love sex and to be frank, I find that it relaxes me in ways that little else can, so imagine my delight upon completion of a recent tantra for women course, discovering that there are exercises I can consciously use to raise and channel sexual energy whilst meditating!! Now that's my kinda meditation, something that has never come easily to me before, so I've been exploring this a while now (more posts on tantra to follow) and I find it is leading me to consider some interesting reflections upon the nature of sex, fucking, love, intimacy and the like.

Until now, as a self confessed orgasm junkie, sexual pleasure has most definitely been achieved with the golden carrot of the thought of the deliciously divine orgasmic end result dangling omnipresent. Sex without orgasm felt like a major disappointment and often, in order to get that if I'm being completely honest,  fantasy would be activated to greater and greater degree. Fucking harder, talking dirtier, experimenting by going out on ever daring limbs, and with many of those I sure had no map 'home'. Don't get me wrong, I'm not averse to the odd bit of porn, the odd bit of fantasy, or the odd bit of sexual adventure at all, however, I do think that a great deal of mainstream porn is de-sensitising us to real intimacy and that intimacy has almost become a dirty word! 

The problem lies, as far as I can see it, in that' same ole same ole' split that sees the (often religiously based) chastity advocates owning the INTIMACY word whilst the rest of us speak in carnal tongues about the pleasures of fucking, however some of my most pleasurable sexual experiences of recent months have come from moving away from porno style fucking into sensual sexual intimacy. This I have managed to do without sacrificing my filthy whore nature to the lamb of love, and I'm wondering if this is in fact part of the same tendency to separate 'good' and 'clean' sex from 'bad' and 'dirty' sex.....yup...just like we do with women.

There are good girls and bad girls right? Those who are marriage material and those who are playthings. Those you want to fuck and those you want to treasure. Virgins and wives versus whores? But for those of us who court both real passionate intimacy and real dirty unashamed sexual pleasure, what offers you/us the best sex ever? What makes your sex great and your intimacy profoundly touching? Do you enjoy porn? Do you use porn to get you off? Do you see intimacy as a 'dirty' word and is it in fact the last taboo in these days of increasingly available sexual imagery?

Just askin'........do come in and chat....x

The problem with sex

What's the problem with sex? Your divine Hostess Claudia came to ponder this question after several recent happenings led her fertile imagination and sharp intelligence to become alarmed by what is going on when we think sex, talk sex and have sex.

First off, I noticed that many men simply do not know how to pleasure a woman and have not the faintest idea what foreplay or arousal are designed for. Gentlemen...banging away like an industrial road drill against a woman's pussy or clit will not, and I mean NOT, garner you any favours. Most men don't even seem to think the clitoris is important. Male readers I invite you ~ share your thoughts. Do you know where it is? Do you know how to tease and arouse it? If not, here's a picture to assist your navigations!

...Or perhaps this may be a better way to find out?

Right then, now that we've got the biology out of the way, what's happened to our sex lives? There seems to be so much guilt, shame and fear associated with sex that we've become either paralysed or over invested in fantasy at the expense of true passion or sensuality, and let's not forget that sex is meant to be fun! I have a theory that somewhere in all of this lies a deeper problem, our issues with 'gender' and the way we allow gender to define us in a most limited fashion.

Thinking about this got me considering how so many men have not learned how to express their femininity, and conversely so many women have not learned how to express our masculinity. Men who feel drives other than 'macho' sometimes desperately crave the touch and feel of women's clothes and underwear or the expression of a more 'submissive' role in the bedroom. They may find the only way to let this out is by secretly dressing up in private, occasionally finding a someone or some others with whom they may share this 'secret'; defining themselves at it's most extreme as 'sissy' and risking ridicule and more shame for doing so.

Paradoxically when a woman expresses her masculinity, she is often labeled a 'ball breaker' or a Bitch and may be labeled by men and other women for rejecting the more easily accepted 'softer' feminine qualities like family, marriage and nurturing.

Artists such as Eric Stanton and Robert Crumb (and many more) have been illustrating the allure of such women for aeons yet these qualities are often highly desired and reviled at the same time; I want a Dominant whore as a lover but not as my wife....

This separation of masculine from feminine, and this limited labelling creates both desire and fear at the same time, yet often a desire associated with taboo. Meanwhile women and men are not getting the sex we want or need as self and other imposed restrictions limit our sexual freedoms. It is a rare pleasure to meet a man in touch with his feminity without being emasculated and a woman in touch with her masculinity without becoming 'hard'. In the bedroom the pleasure of discovering this flowing in and out of attributes can lead to an immensely pleasurable and horny experience. The extremes (woman as 'victim' or 'bitch', man as 'sissy' or 'macho') then ease up a little and the willingness to play and to adventure and explore become a whole lot more fun. I for one don't wish to be swinging between extreme polarities, nor do I wish to find yet another man struggling for....oooh let me see.....minutes (!) to find out how to pleasure me.

Three words: G-Spot, clitoris and liberation spring to mind. We are far too afraid of talking sex it would seem and even more afraid of admitting to feelings and desires that we have learnt to 'disown' and yet I believe these disowned feelings are at the root of all sexual violence and many relationship problems.

What are your views? Do you expect a woman (or a man) to look and behave within very restricted parameters? Do you allow for and celebrate diversity? Do you experiment with boundaries? And how much guilt, shame and fear do you live with as a result?