Drugs or Medicines?

Hello lovely people out there in cyberland. This evening's post focusses upon a theme I've found myself pondering many times throughout my life, and for many reasons. Tonight I want to explore the subject of drugs versus medicines. Going beyond semantics, how do we decide what is 'good' and what is 'bad' in this respect, and how does this duality thinking serve us? Who gets to say when a drug is truly a medicine and when a medicine becomes a drug? To look at this we must also explore the things that create addiction, explore value judgements around this, and be bold enough to recognise that when something is used in principle for 'spiritual' reasons, it may not be any more worthy than something used when out of consciousness if the root of the 'addiction' remains in place and a person remains unable to integrate the teachings or lessons learned upon their journey, to create for themselves a better life, a life lived with improved and sustainable wellbeing.

I disagree with some of the statement above - often we bypass the pleasure phase and head straight for avoidance of the pain, only not in relation to the substance, more in relation to the issue at hand that we may not be wanting to feel in the first place. However many substances or actions can indeed be pleasurable in their repetition, at least until (or if) they begin to create chaos, hurt or pain for us, and others around us. That doesn't have to be just drugs, it can be work, sex, alcohol, or specific behaviours we can't break free from that create legacies of pain and suffering in our lives.

CONFESSION TIME! As a former heroin addict I spent many years locked in extremely destructive and painful cycles of addiction, withdrawal, and re-addiction. I spent money, time, and heartfelt reservoirs of faith and hope trying one way or another to cure myself of my opiate dependency, always unsuccessfully, until one day I hit rock bottom and found the dregs of some tattered life belt beckoning me to an untrusted shore, that of sobriety. I didn't at this point want to be clean on some levels though, because in the stark reality of 'clean and serene' lived the demons I had been avoiding, and they were clearly not going to want to be scrutinised too hard, otherwise I would have done so long before hitting desperation. And so for a while, the following was true….

I saw friends die from overdoses on shit drugs or because they had tried to get clean, failed and then given themselves too much of what they could cope with when in the full flow of their dependency. It was tragic; good souls striving to get well, more often striving to get drugs, dying in trying. I lost money, family, friends, homes, belongings and self respect. I gained remarkable resilience, resourcefulness and wisdom, but only once clean was I able to access most of those gifts. Anyhow, this is just the story, it was a long time ago now and it does not define me, but it certainly makes me think! And why does it make me think? Well, because eighteen months ago I began another quest of exploration using psychotropic plants to enter the deeper levels of my psyche that still remained locked in old pains and patterns. Although no longer being anaesthetised by opiates, these patterns still somehow limited me, and I was ready to break free. Enter the frame Ayahuasca, San Pedro and Iboga. (*inclusion of these sites is not necessarily an endorsement of their content - please trust your own information finding resources)

These teacher plants as I refer to them, hold truly remarkable abilities to transform consciousness and open gateways to new ways of seeing what are in principle old ways of being. Working with them intensively over the last phase of my life has unlocked so many gifts, blessings and teachings. I can never express how much gratitude I have for the fact they called loud enough and long enough for me to pay attention.

By some freakishly synchronistic series of events, starting with a random book written by the wonderful Rebekah Shaman, which was left on a table beside me at a festival (nobody knew how it got there), a flier for an 'Eagle Condor' ceremony left in my healing centre (nobody knew how it got there), and a chance meeting, I found myself suddenly tuned into a very different matrix. They say when she calls, she calls, and when the time is right, you just know. Fearful (actually make that a little bit terrified!) and curious at the same time, I certainly knew on some deep embodied level that I was about to embark on some serious soul searching, and that Mama Ayahuasca was the doorway through which I would access these lessons. I'm not going to lie, I was afraid that my demons would consume me, that they were far bigger than I and that they would simply annihilate me and undo all of the good work I'd put into place in getting well and staying well, but I also knew on a deeper level that this couldn't be true for those demons could only ever be a part of me and never the totality of me.

I can honestly say that this journey has been the most liberating of my life in terms of my soul evolution, life lessons and life-purpose focus. That said, I see as many opportunities for 'addiction' within the sacred and spiritual plant based explorations as I do with those used less mindfully; it's not something to take lightly or be cavalier about. Ayahuasca, a South American vine, has taken me to some truly painful, dark places. It's torn down my ego and left me in tatters, and it's slapped me hard around the head when I've been a little less respectful of her potency. Through all of this she has also brought me deep healing. San Pedro, a South American cactus, has been a cruel teacher; hard and unforgiving at times, he has also shone light on that which is lurking in the dark, and for me, going to meet what is often referred to as the 'Grandfather' is never something I will take lightly or make assumptions about beforehand. Iboga, an African root, has changed me deeply. That's all I can say about that for now.

But what of these distinctions? What of those who maintain those addictions we would normally refer to as 'drug addictions' without them causing too much chaos over the years? I know people who do so to some level, although I admit they are rare, at least in my experience that is. And what of those who are addicted to these beautiful plant teacher spirits and who approach them in the same manner of questing for an altered state that just further avoids their own ability to just be with themselves? Does this medicine then become a drug? And what of those people using some drugs as medicines and creating stability and real health for themselves with them. Is that even possible? Personally I'm not a fan of synthesised 'drugs' and medications, whether prescribed by the doctor or sold by the dealer, I just don't trust them!

These days I'm as clean as I've ever been and I'm not talking about clean from medicines, drugs or anything else here, I'm talking about food, nutrition, attitude, lifestyle, mindfulness, love, self love and more. At the risk of sounding self righteous, I haven't drunk alcohol for almost a year, not because I'm trying to, but because I don't want to and because my body can't process it any more! I gave up sugar and wheat at the same time, and I'm currently on Raw till 4 (a raw vegan foodie concept of eating only fresh, uncooked and unprocessed foods until 4pm every day to give the body and digestive system a rest).  To some this will sound like I'm whipping myself with the denial of pleasure but to me, the pleasure is now well and truly rooted in the sense of health, energy and vitality I feel increasing in me with every single day.

I very recently discovered on my shamanic training, that it is equally possible to enter cathartic and transformative states without the use of any psychotropics at all! This powerful understanding further deepens my commitment to the power of intention and the conscious development of the human spirit and soul. And what is this all for? Not to create further separation but to remember the oneness of life, the absolute truth that everything is connected and everything grows through love and self actualisation and never through fear, ignorance and denial. To discover where true freedom lies and to take root there, to stake my flag on the summit of joy that I know is there, ever accessible, ever present. All I have to do is open my eyes and remember.

Aho Mitakuye Oyasin! (For All Our Relations)

The End Of A Certain Era

"The way we imagine our lives is the way we are going to go on living our lives. For the manner in which we tell ourselves about what is going on is the genre through which events become experiences." - James Hillman, Healing Fiction. Taken from the book Growing Into Myself written by my friend Thea Euryphaessa.

Sitting at my desk, my 'Bliss Beauty' playlist knocking out anthems of spirit and soul, candles lit, stillness of the dark moon surrounds me and it's New Year's Eve 2013. Called into making a choice between the external (going out) and the internal (being with myself in quiet reflection and solitude), I paused, though not for too long, knowing that for once I would honour my own needs and take this intent into 2014. To break free of the 'shoulds' 'would' and 'coulds' and instead to stride into the will, want to, and fully desire to, is a liberating thing. I have only just realised how much of my life is running from an old outworn pattern of fear; not the kind of rabbit-in-the-headlights fear, more a kind of fear of upsetting the apple cart by making choices that please me instead of pleasing others first. Kindness is important, regard for the feelings of others is important, but what use are we to the world when we constantly refuse to acknowledge our own needs first.

This year has been one of great expansion for me, and having started it with more dream sowing and visioning, to some degree I knew where I wanted to go and with whom from the start of 2013, yet there were some surprises thrown into the mix I'd have never seen coming. A sure test of our 'substance' is how well we handle the curved balls isn't it?

Following a wonderful beginning in being asked to speak at a local festival on the subject "My Body, My Choice: Sex Work As A Feminist Statement" (my title) I stepped somewhat nervously into the spotlight of public speaking. What I discovered here is that if we speak from a place of integrity, authenticity and a passion for what we're talking about, well it's ok really, this public speaking thing, for who can tell us we're 'wrong' when it's just a point of view? I think that talk gave me the courage to move forward into an even greater dream and so, when in the start of the year, I came across a conference to be hosted in Las Vegas on sexual health and politics, I knew I wanted to get there. Co-ordinated by the Desiree Alliance, an organisation working hard to ensure that the rights, voices and real experiences of sex workers are fully represented in U.S social and political reform agendas, the conference served as a platform for pushing these issues into the mainstream.

Seeing the conference I knew I wanted to be there, but not just as a delegate this time, as a speaker. I put together a proposal to hold a session on a project I was seeding, the 'Sex Workers Speakeasy'. The idea came to me largely because after 30 years of activism, I was tired of sex workers voices rarely being given a platform to speak their/our truths. Working backwards, I first put in the proposal and then tried to figure out how to get there. This saw the birth of my Indiegogo fundraising campaign where I raised around £1,100 to get me to Vegas; a pretty good job my proposal was accepted then, but you could say that when you know where you need to go, the rest just flows!

July 2013 saw me in Las Vegas in the 110 degree heat, in a hotel surrounded by hundreds of fabulously inspiring activists and sex workers from all over the world. A dream realised. That and the Grand Canyon by helicopter. Memorable moments of my year.

And then came August and the dawning of the Medicine Path and my explorations with the grandmother teacher Ayahuasca. Words can never do this justice, all that this blessed teacher has brought to my life and my personal journey. I've tried to write about it, but I find that the words are a betrayal of the depth of it. All I know is that it has changed me. Deeply. And continues to do so.

Layers upon layers upon layers are revealed.  Old patterns hold a tight grip but with willingness and deep desire to transform those self limiting beliefs, a commitment to growth and a vibrational change that makes my choices clearer and clearer with every day that passes, change does come. The emergence of a butterfly from the womb of the chrysalis. And we all know that growth can be painful before it is liberating; the metaphor of the butterfly actually here a perfect one. So how can it be that we are still driven by fear, fear of upsetting all that we know, of making 'wrong' choices, of losing everything that we think we need in order to live our lives? A fear that can grip us so tight that for many, no changes ever come, for some it is more comfortable to stay where we are and simply accept the inevitability of some large dollops of misery on the way.

My healing practice comes into growth this coming year, I feel it in my bones. This passing year has seen me stepping into holding my own space there on a couple of occasions, moving from the place of eternal student into that of sharing my own wisdom and learning. Offering drum journeys and workshops for women, I discovered an ease and comfort in doing so that again surprised me. From this movement into trusting my own abilities, I now seek to collaborate more in this coming year. I'd like to invite the Universe (Yoniverse!) to bring me into more partnership with other healers to co-create amazing opportunities for growth, transformation and expansion. My medicine path expands and somehow merges with my passion for juicing, good health and tantra. I know not where these paths and changes will lead me, nor where the path will end (does it ever?) but I know one thing, my pledge to myself this year is to honour myself with clarity and bravery, with deep self love before giving over my personal desires to the needs and desires of others. And stillness beckons. She calls to me like a Siren singing her sweet song with ever increasing volume. My life has been busy these last twenty years - I've lived in another country, been married and separated, set up four businesses and birthed three children and now it's time for more reflection, more roots, more clarity and definitely more grace and stillness, for in the presence of stillness only then can a whisper can be heard, and only in the whisper may the truthful essence of the soul emerge.

And so, with the absolute majesty and magic that is the birth of the butterfly from the form of the caterpillar, I invite transformation of my new dreams and visions. Those of womanhood with roots. Those of community with communion. Those of deep contentment with life. And so rather than seeing the opening quote in the way of 'thoughts create reality' as per The Secret, more it's that I recognise that the way I view the world is how the world will be. Not that I necessarily conjure up whatever I desire in an instant, rather that I am conscious of what I create by virtue of what I believe and how I choose to view the world and it's possibilities.

And I will sit tonight, and contemplate my 2014, a year of love and learning, of honouring the Journey of The Soul, my soul, in coming into her remembrance. Of the timeless essence of why I am, and why we are here. Not to just fill my boots with possessions or dispossession, but to bring forth my own legacy, for my children, for my children's children and for LOVE.

Thank you 2013, you have been a real teacher. Welcome 2014 - I salute you!

Blue Goddess painting by Rita Hraiz Sacred Art.

This blog post is dedicated to Lauren Breckon: "An end is never an end but only a chance for new beginnings, and all things must die before they can be re-born". With love and gratitude for every lesson.

My Summer of Deep Healing

Blessings Familia! I start by honouring the commonality shared by many a tribe across our divine planet, our love for Madre Terra, Pacha Mama, our Mother Earth.

The end to this summer of 2013 has proven to be one of revelation, integration and manifestation on so many levels. Starting out this year I'd never have guessed it, but as part of a longer journey into wholeness it's been pretty fabulous all in all. Actually let me re-phrase that for what I've learned is that we are already perfectly whole but it's more that we've simply forgotten that fact. RE-membering is the trick. Re-Calling in our divinity, but sometimes we need a hand with that remembering yes? And so, from a synchronistic moment at a summer festival, which led to a random and unexpected meeting with David Icke, which in turn led to a book landing in my lap, a book which left a profound imprint upon my soul, and through that story (The Shaman's Last Apprentice) I found myself gently led towards our plant teachers and the facing of many a fascination and a fear.

I've held a sense of distant reverence for the mother vine, more commonly known as Ayahuasca for some time now, however the key word here was 'distant'. I've given a cursory glance or two to many a website or article, thinking that really it was more for others this particular pilgrimage, than it was for me. Truth be told I was fearful of its potential potency fearing two things: first, that following a few bad acid trips that this too would be some hellish and inescapable journey resulting in my certain madness, and secondly that my personal 'demons' would engulf me, leaving me in tatters, a shell of the woman I once was, unable to put myself back together again. Now, having since followed the series of synchronistic events that led to my initiation, I can clearly see how unfounded these fears actually were, but I voice them on behalf of others who may feel the same, for I know we are many. In voicing these fears though, I found myself experiencing so many strange and timely meetings and people that I was left in no doubt that I was meant to be doing exactly what I was and just 'listening' to these messages. 

Now, at this point my blog post could get very lengthy! I could give all the details of these random events and tell all about how they brought me to a place of communion, or I could just tell you that I got there, to that magical place where the soul is bared and the heart revealed, truly revealed, for us to bear witness to our tiny and somehow insignificant place in this amazing Universe, insignificant and yet holding so much capacity to choose to do either harm or good with the custodianship of our planet. What I learned about myself that was perhaps the single most liberating thing for me was that in letting go of fear, control and some false beliefs about my inner demons, that my 'freedom' lay on the other side of that fear. I learned that it is never possible that these fear based ego voices can be greater than us, for they are simply a part of us, one part of the whole, and that the whole is pretty wise and knows far more that the vessel we inhabit, this body, in this lifetime, insofar as knowing that we are absolutely meant to be here and have a unique role to fulfil whilst being so. 

When you journey with the mother vine, you see beyond doubt how ultimately connected we all are, to each other and to the earth, to our history, our evolution and our future, and it is the most breathtaking realisation I've ever experienced. It is impossible to contemplate doing harm to it, or to consider a return to living in the same ignorant ways we may once have done, when we have seen and felt what magnificence truly lies beneath our feet, and the possibilities for what sustains our lives and the lives of generations yet to come. I envisage clean water for my children and my grandchildren, I envisage fresh air and good food, enough to share with all, and I know that this is infinitely possible if we can but release our fear riddled grip on our need to possess, and take endlessly without giving back. 

So this summer, I've taken part in several plant medicine ceremonies; Ayahuasca, San Pedro and Komba (the venom of the tiny, somewhat cross looking, emerald green Amazonian tree frog). I've been blessed to spend time in the company of people truly awakening to other possibilities, people open to love, open to healing, and open to honouring not just the self but the planet. People committed to standing in integrity, committed to forging new pathways and changing what is for what can be and in that witnessing I am left humbled and deeply peaceful. I'm surprised by that sense of peace because for the first time in a long time, I feel that change is not only possible but is inevitable and it starts with our relationship to the self. Deep peace must be possible to conceive within before taking deep peace outside of ourselves, but more than that, it has to be a kind of selfless sense of peace if we are to truly create transformation and change in our world. 

Honestly, I don't know where to begin in sharing the magnificence of these experiences but I am full of gratitude for the people who have been there with me, and to those I have yet to meet on this path. My teachers have been as much the wondrous souls holding the space as the other people courageous enough to show up and share. There are many pioneers and adventurers who have gone before me, Shamans and ordinary people, visionaries, healers, scientists, artists and psychonauts. People desperate to make changes in their tough lives, who seek to live anew, people who are just curious, people who are open mined, social engineers and lovers everywhere. All I can say is Health and Healing be ours Brothers and Sisters and AHO to that! 

Alex Grey affirms that all we need to know is already inside us, and how ayahuasca takes us there.