Does My Vulva Look Big In This?

Following on from the seemingly very popular theme of writing fairly explicit blogs on taboo subjects, we come to today's frankly titled piece 'does my vulva look big in this?'

The reason I chose this somewhat direct title was manyfold, but first and foremost it is to serve to blow the lid off another extremely taboo area for open discussion, the wonderful diversity of women's genitalia. Now, you may wonder why so, and why the play-on-words title? We've all heard the question "does my bum look big in this" which has become an almost ironic statement in it's chronic overuse, yet it masks something deeper and far more distressing, the fact that so many women suffer body dysmorphia to some degree or another. 

Body dysmorphia is a condition in which you see yourself as disproportionately different to how you actually look, and how others see you. "Oh my god, I'm so gross" "Oh my good look at my arms, I can't wear that" etc, and yet it would seem that this works mostly one way, in the way of women wanting to be slimmer, skinnier, more toned, more lean, and not so with slender women wanting to be bigger. I don't think I've ever heard an 'oh my god I look too skinny in that" and yet I'm sure as many naturally slim women struggle with their body image as do larger, more curvaceous women, largely due to the 'public gaze' and the common icons of perfection presented to us as our aspirations and ideals for beauty. Ultimately, the female form is massively diverse and yet the mainstream media work hard to convince us that any shape outside this perfect ideal is unattractive, and what absolute bollocks that is! 

Today's post is not to focus on this subject though, it's to go one step further into the no-go zone of the discussion of women's vaginas, labia and vulvas, and how here is one area we would rarely be able to joke about or say out loud (as with the bum question) despite the fact there is a pit of hidden insecurity around it.

Whilst on my tantric path, I have heard so many women voicing deep dissatisfaction and self hatred over the subject of their labia and vulvas. All this pain and yet the truly sad thing is that the diversity in this part of our bodies is as different as the colour of our eyes, and some of us do indeed need a map to find out own way there, never mind a way into willingness to share this part of ourselves joyfully with our lovers. 

In tantric teachings, good ones that is, I've been fortunate enough to witness many women really transforming the way they feel about their genitals. Women with large labia discovering they're not the only ones, women with really hairy pussies facing off women with neat little shaved ones, discussing and understanding the differences and the commonalities. How they look, smell and taste. Discussing and airing our true feelings and recognising just how much of that is a product of the perfection model we're all made to believe exists but is actually an absolute and utter myth. I recommend the book below as a starting point for conversation, currently available from Amazon; basic but helpful. Tell yourself, tell your daughters and your granddaughters, tell your mothers (they often came from generations where it was even harder to talk about this stuff). 

I also recommend that women start to seriously blow the lid off these subjects of taboo conversation by getting the truth out there, by replacing the lies with the wise! Some women, like my friend Thea (who has shared this in her recent book 'Growing into Myself' so I'm not speaking inappropriately about her private stuff here) undergo surgery on their labia for real reasons of physical pain. Some of us are seduced into considering it simply as cosmetic beautification and this is where it gets truly disturbing. Surgery to tighten our yoni's, replace our hymens, cut our labia, or remove our clitorises, this is where my temperature starts to rise really rapidly. STOP! Refuse this affront to our womanhood, and dive instead into the pleasure to be experienced in our bodies and our naturalness when we finally begin to realise that there is no such thing as a 'normal' vagina. No such thing as a 'normal' labia, normal vulva, normal bum or normal body. They're alien constructs a bit like those baby charts that give new parents endless reason to worry where none is necessary. It took me three children before I started ignoring those dots on the charts telling me my baby was 'out of normal range' - "Great! I'm so glad to hear that" would be my response now, "and tell me, what is normal anyway!"

So let's start this dialogue, the one about our less than perfect bodies, for we look more like this:

  

than this:

  

And as we can see from the image above, 'this' doesn't even exist! Our genitals are as diverse as our genetic blueprints so try this one out for size too, another great book for changing the way we think about  the gentitalia (women and men), their appearance and how differently we experience pleasure according to our intimate  body shape, size and form. 

And whilst you're at it, let's try giving them some positive messages. Tell them how FABULOUS they are and if you can't do that, at least try and befriend them just that tiny bit more, as step by step we heal our wounds. And you could start by visiting this wonderful bunch (click link) - workshop coming to Manchester very soon…register your interest here! 

*painted image of two women above by Aleah Chapin

The Joy of The Cunt

Sometimes I post about great stuff other people are doing. Today is one of those days.

I came across these fantastic women just prior to the Erotic Awards (see my blog page in the Campaigner category there?) and Night of The Senses ball on Friday just gone. They are collectively called Cherish The Cunt, or occasionally CuntCraft aka the Clitorarty.

What I love about these women is their attitude and approach to working with, and celebrating the diversity of that universal female wonder, also known as - the cunt, the fanny, the vag, the poonani, the minge, the gash, the lady garden (yes really!), the yoni, the sacred cave, the pussy, the beaver, the clunge, the vajayjay, the bearded clam, the quim, well you get the drift? More names than a tax dodging official on a bad day! 

So Collette and Rebecca in collaboration with several other fabulous women artists, set up their business with a wonderful set of objectives which you can read here. Removing shame and celebrating difference are so vitally important in moving towards a healthy expression of sexuality, womanhood, and by default, manhood. We are drip fed false ideas of beauty, of what is normal, and of what is acceptable to the point where we can no longer share our real truths or even identify what they are. Think your labia are abnormal? I bet firstly you're not alone and secondly, you'll find you are absolutely in fantastic company. Sites like Vulva Love and Vaginas Of The World go a long way to de-mystifying this sacred and extremely mystical place, the Holy Hole, the palace of wonders, the root of creation. 

So, please take a moment to find out more about their work. They are currently fundraising to provide "sexual health materials with a pleasure twist" and you can see their campaign here. I for one think it's a much needed and important resource.

We're taught about sex as a biological act rather than a pleasurable one and most of us have grown up clueless about what we should be thinking and feeling about sex, about our bodies and about intimacy that isn't about procreation and/or self restraint. We don't then know how to manage situations where we feel violated, we don't know how to find our boundaries and ask for what we truly desire as we've generally got no idea what that is. Along the way in my own voyage of discovery, I was fortunate enough to stumble across the teachings of Shakti Tantra  which have forever changed the course of my life. Let's out the CUNT and celebrate her magnificence. She is pretty damn amazing!

Lingam Lust!

Following last week's post about Pussy Power, this week sees your Hostess with the mostest contemplating the delights of the lingam, or in non tantric terms, the cock. Personally I've long since held a healthy delight in the pleasures of the male body, the cock and the moment of penetration.

The first time I ever read an Andrea Dworkin book, which for me seemed to hold as its fundamental premise the demonising of the act of penetration as an affront to all women, I just did not get it. As a woman in her power and in her pleasure, I could not see how this consenting pleasurable act could be reduced to a symbol of power over simply in its very nature. I certainly didn't feel dis-empowered when I chose to make love in that traditional way, and so I naturally began to wonder who these women were who so disliked the act, and indeed why something as beautiful as making love could hold so much of the worlds imbalance in its simple essence. Men were being vilified and Andrea was not cutting it for me!

How could these beautiful and varied aspects of our bodies warrant such disdain and dare I say it, even hate? It's dangerous territory when we start making things become symbols of other things; making all men demons because some wield power rather than love with their strength. Making all women weak because some choose to stay in a role that serves them rather than truly take ownership of their strength too. Making assumptions because of cultural or gender or race based differences is incredibly short sighted and often results in the battle of right and wrong where there can never ever be a 'winner', only one who either compromises or one goes to 'war'.

So, back to the wondrous lingam and its magnificent presence. As a Tantric massage therapist, I get to see a lot of different bodies; yonis, lingams, backs, legs, arms, shoulders, every damn bit of it, and every single one of us is totally unique. Injury scars upon tight spots upon the fluidity of a flexible spine, upon the curve of a back or the weight of a thigh. I love working with bodies and am in total respect for the people who bring themselves forth to learn more about their capacity for pleasure, and one major aspect of this is to begin to undo the negative programming so many of us experience around our bodies and our sexuality.

So, see the image above...how many of us really hear that in our childhoods and youth? I know I did and it is totally outrageous that people can attach so much shame to our bodies based upon such lies. In Taoist practice, and in Tantra too, it's possible to get to the point where orgasmic bliss can be achieved even without any movement between two intertwined bodies. Energy and breath combined with consciousness alone can create such incredibly heightened states of arousal and pleasure that it becomes easy to see the beauty in our own bodies and those of our chosen partners or lovers, and who wouldn't want to try that out for size? Who would chose to place faith in what they experience as physically, intellectually and spiritually untrue?

I know for me, reverence for the lingam is the same as reverence for my own yoni and for the whole of the body. It's a human being I'm looking at and connecting with first and foremost, and how could that be anything other than beautiful? Let's lose the games, the myths and the propaganda about sex, about intimacy, about bodies and about romance and instead, choose love, which of course can only start to become possible when we start to work on first fostering a sense of deep self respect. As my teacher Hilly says, "most of us enter relationships holding in front of us a begging bowl saying 'fill me up', and yet until we approach our lovers with our own bowls full, it's not possible to truly give and receive love". I could not agree more, and Tantra works really effectively at taking us into the celebration and honoring of our bodies, our minds and our souls, so why would we ever choose otherwise?

Pussy Power!

The power of Pussy! Today's post sees your divine hostess Miss C discussing my favourite thing (alongside sex and lingams/cocks that is), the pussy, or in Tantric terms, the yoni. The word yoni literally translated from its sanskrit origins means 'sacred cave' ~ I like that...sacred cave; a sense of which we have lost within our fast moving, goal oriented, sexual culture.

The pussy is actually an incredibly beautiful, sensitive and potent thing and yet there is so much negative mythology attached to it, it hurts. It hurts us as women to suffer the calls of 'fishy fanny', flabby flaps, beef curtains and other such ugly labels. It hurts us as a gender and what's more, it hurts men too because it denies them their hearts to revert to such simplistic yet powerful anti-pussy assault.

I've recently heard more than a few stories of how us women feel about our pussies, the negative messages run deep friends and it's time we shouted out a bloody huge STOP! and de-mythologised the notion of perfect pussy. They don't exist any more than the perfect cock exists. The range of men's and women's genitalia is enormous and there is beauty in our individuality beyond imagining, so the message of my blog today is "DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE!"

After hearing my friends stories, listening to my daughters, and observing what is going on around me I was more than delighted to come across this wonderful website recently, the purpose of it being to celebrate the diversity of pussy! To heal, to de-bunk, to normalise...large labia? you're NOT alone? Don't listen any more to those false messages and judgmental reactions. We are GORGEOUS in our variety I tell you...gorgeous!

Beyond my positive affirmations howeverthere lies a deeper sadness for all that we have lost as men and women in our culture as our sexual expression has been led so far from our wild and juicy nature that it's created deep deep wounds that need healing and need light. If I had one wish here it would be that woman and girls really honour our/your bodies in the most positive, joyful way possible and start to recover from the negative programming. No more vagino-plasty! No more stitching up and cutting off in the fruitless pursuit of perfection. We stand proud like the old sheela-na-gigs holding open our sex for all the world to see..this is it...this is ME!

and here for your delight and fascination, reverance and revelry, is the website I mentioned World of Vagina ~ Enjoy!