Breaking Free!

This evening's post comes to you by the magic of a full moon in the watery sign of cancer, realm of the emotions. When we start to live by moon cycles and cycles of the year, strange things begin to happen. We may find that we are more in tune with our instincts, our intuition grows sharper, and we understand our own personal rhythms more, knowing when to expend energy and when to conserve it. Life is based upon patterns and cycles and these are reflected in all of nature and all of creation. We are driven by the repeating cycles of the sun and the moon, the tides and the seasons; everything in motion in the magnificent orchestration of LIFE!

Nature has a habit of breaking free from constraints, just watch any of those programmes about a brand new seed forcing it's way through the hard earth, a tree root cracking a building or a plant breaking through concrete; if left to its own devices, nature will not be tethered for long.

On new year's day this year I read a blog post by a woman I greatly admire called Maggie McNeil. Maggie's Honest Courtesan blog has run for years and her commitment and intellect are pretty damn impressive. She writes daily, did you get that? DAILY! Using her voice to shine light on primarily sex work activism and key issues in this area, Maggie's posts are also beautiful reflections on life.

When I read her New Year post about transitionary periods in life, I was genuinely touched by what Maggie had written about how painful her 'coming out' process was. As a former sex worker with a strong academic background, she acknowledged that the lack of a voice being given as an outlet for the expression of her truth, was restricting her beyond the point of comfort. Maggie was in the metamorphic stage of break-out, facing the unknown but feeling the inevitable.

I was lucky enough to meet Maggie last year in Las Vegas for a conference at which we both spoke; Desiree Alliance's - 'The Audacity of Health: Sex Work Health and Politics'. I will never forget hanging out in the pool with her at the welcome party just chatting about life, our experiences, our boobs (!!) and putting the world to rights on a balmy evening surrounded, as is usual at these events, by many of the most colourful, wonderful people I've been graced to meet in my life, hookers!

Maggie's post addressed her coming out process. In moving from hiding large aspects of herself and her life, towards radical openness, she acknowledges the occasional wish to return to the safety of the comfort zone created by her former secrecy, but far more recognises the freedom in her revelations. It got me to thinking about how and why we hide so much of ourselves in life, often creating a world full of people anaesthetising themselves one way or another, usually with addictions or medications, because they feel unable to simply be themselves and be okay with that. How sad that is.

We all have a past, we all have stories to tell, experience to share, and we all have to find comfortable ways to inhabit these human frames in which we live. This moon is all about releasing old emotional patterns and ties; what would it take to liberate any remaining hidden aspects of yourself and to truly let yourself just be, exactly as you are and exactly as you wish to be? Why do you make decisions to censor yourself? I know for me, many decisions I make are prudent ones based upon the feelings and considerations of people I love, mainly my children. Adults can meet me in my radical honesty and make their own minds up, but kids can be cruel to one another and without the life skills to manage that cruelty, that's tough. 

I am aware of the difference between a fear based 'secret' and a discernment based choice, but it's not always easy to make the call to freedom and truth. Why not sit tonight with the moon in her radiance, and dream a little upon what parts of you, you are hiding and see if there's any small risk you can take somehow to be just that little bit more authentically you. What old patterns are ready to be released so that your true essence can break free, and do you even know what that would look like or feel like?

There is no shame in truth when we speak with an honest and compassionate heart. Me, I've walked a crooked path in my time and there has been much healing to do, but I was born in purity and I will die in purity too. What I do with the bit in between is entirely my choice, and my greatest hope is that whatever those choices are, they will somehow, in some way, make this world a little better for my children, their children, and their children's children. 

From what will you break free today? Let yourself be light of your burdens, for every bit lighter you are, you offer that knowledge and understanding to another, and therein lies the essence of true healing. 

The End Of A Certain Era

"The way we imagine our lives is the way we are going to go on living our lives. For the manner in which we tell ourselves about what is going on is the genre through which events become experiences." - James Hillman, Healing Fiction. Taken from the book Growing Into Myself written by my friend Thea Euryphaessa.

Sitting at my desk, my 'Bliss Beauty' playlist knocking out anthems of spirit and soul, candles lit, stillness of the dark moon surrounds me and it's New Year's Eve 2013. Called into making a choice between the external (going out) and the internal (being with myself in quiet reflection and solitude), I paused, though not for too long, knowing that for once I would honour my own needs and take this intent into 2014. To break free of the 'shoulds' 'would' and 'coulds' and instead to stride into the will, want to, and fully desire to, is a liberating thing. I have only just realised how much of my life is running from an old outworn pattern of fear; not the kind of rabbit-in-the-headlights fear, more a kind of fear of upsetting the apple cart by making choices that please me instead of pleasing others first. Kindness is important, regard for the feelings of others is important, but what use are we to the world when we constantly refuse to acknowledge our own needs first.

This year has been one of great expansion for me, and having started it with more dream sowing and visioning, to some degree I knew where I wanted to go and with whom from the start of 2013, yet there were some surprises thrown into the mix I'd have never seen coming. A sure test of our 'substance' is how well we handle the curved balls isn't it?

Following a wonderful beginning in being asked to speak at a local festival on the subject "My Body, My Choice: Sex Work As A Feminist Statement" (my title) I stepped somewhat nervously into the spotlight of public speaking. What I discovered here is that if we speak from a place of integrity, authenticity and a passion for what we're talking about, well it's ok really, this public speaking thing, for who can tell us we're 'wrong' when it's just a point of view? I think that talk gave me the courage to move forward into an even greater dream and so, when in the start of the year, I came across a conference to be hosted in Las Vegas on sexual health and politics, I knew I wanted to get there. Co-ordinated by the Desiree Alliance, an organisation working hard to ensure that the rights, voices and real experiences of sex workers are fully represented in U.S social and political reform agendas, the conference served as a platform for pushing these issues into the mainstream.

Seeing the conference I knew I wanted to be there, but not just as a delegate this time, as a speaker. I put together a proposal to hold a session on a project I was seeding, the 'Sex Workers Speakeasy'. The idea came to me largely because after 30 years of activism, I was tired of sex workers voices rarely being given a platform to speak their/our truths. Working backwards, I first put in the proposal and then tried to figure out how to get there. This saw the birth of my Indiegogo fundraising campaign where I raised around £1,100 to get me to Vegas; a pretty good job my proposal was accepted then, but you could say that when you know where you need to go, the rest just flows!

July 2013 saw me in Las Vegas in the 110 degree heat, in a hotel surrounded by hundreds of fabulously inspiring activists and sex workers from all over the world. A dream realised. That and the Grand Canyon by helicopter. Memorable moments of my year.

And then came August and the dawning of the Medicine Path and my explorations with the grandmother teacher Ayahuasca. Words can never do this justice, all that this blessed teacher has brought to my life and my personal journey. I've tried to write about it, but I find that the words are a betrayal of the depth of it. All I know is that it has changed me. Deeply. And continues to do so.

Layers upon layers upon layers are revealed.  Old patterns hold a tight grip but with willingness and deep desire to transform those self limiting beliefs, a commitment to growth and a vibrational change that makes my choices clearer and clearer with every day that passes, change does come. The emergence of a butterfly from the womb of the chrysalis. And we all know that growth can be painful before it is liberating; the metaphor of the butterfly actually here a perfect one. So how can it be that we are still driven by fear, fear of upsetting all that we know, of making 'wrong' choices, of losing everything that we think we need in order to live our lives? A fear that can grip us so tight that for many, no changes ever come, for some it is more comfortable to stay where we are and simply accept the inevitability of some large dollops of misery on the way.

My healing practice comes into growth this coming year, I feel it in my bones. This passing year has seen me stepping into holding my own space there on a couple of occasions, moving from the place of eternal student into that of sharing my own wisdom and learning. Offering drum journeys and workshops for women, I discovered an ease and comfort in doing so that again surprised me. From this movement into trusting my own abilities, I now seek to collaborate more in this coming year. I'd like to invite the Universe (Yoniverse!) to bring me into more partnership with other healers to co-create amazing opportunities for growth, transformation and expansion. My medicine path expands and somehow merges with my passion for juicing, good health and tantra. I know not where these paths and changes will lead me, nor where the path will end (does it ever?) but I know one thing, my pledge to myself this year is to honour myself with clarity and bravery, with deep self love before giving over my personal desires to the needs and desires of others. And stillness beckons. She calls to me like a Siren singing her sweet song with ever increasing volume. My life has been busy these last twenty years - I've lived in another country, been married and separated, set up four businesses and birthed three children and now it's time for more reflection, more roots, more clarity and definitely more grace and stillness, for in the presence of stillness only then can a whisper can be heard, and only in the whisper may the truthful essence of the soul emerge.

And so, with the absolute majesty and magic that is the birth of the butterfly from the form of the caterpillar, I invite transformation of my new dreams and visions. Those of womanhood with roots. Those of community with communion. Those of deep contentment with life. And so rather than seeing the opening quote in the way of 'thoughts create reality' as per The Secret, more it's that I recognise that the way I view the world is how the world will be. Not that I necessarily conjure up whatever I desire in an instant, rather that I am conscious of what I create by virtue of what I believe and how I choose to view the world and it's possibilities.

And I will sit tonight, and contemplate my 2014, a year of love and learning, of honouring the Journey of The Soul, my soul, in coming into her remembrance. Of the timeless essence of why I am, and why we are here. Not to just fill my boots with possessions or dispossession, but to bring forth my own legacy, for my children, for my children's children and for LOVE.

Thank you 2013, you have been a real teacher. Welcome 2014 - I salute you!

Blue Goddess painting by Rita Hraiz Sacred Art.

This blog post is dedicated to Lauren Breckon: "An end is never an end but only a chance for new beginnings, and all things must die before they can be re-born". With love and gratitude for every lesson.

From The Sacred To The Profane

Once upon a time Prostitutes were Sacred Healers. Women were revered as the Goddess, men as the Warrior/Hero. Once upon a time our connection to love, to our earth, to our higher self and to simplicity outweighed our occupation with fear, pollution, base desires and conflict. Somewhere along the way we found ourselves lost and the Sacred Prostitute became the Whore, the symbol of all ill. For some, this fall is connected to the Garden of Eden and the Fall From Grace, though personally I've never been able to relate to a story that casts any god or ascended being as a punishing one (except maybe Kali who offers a kind of tough love!) nor to a story that suggests women's curiosity unleashes all manner of evils and suffering into the world. For me it's far more complex (and yet paradoxically simple) than that - we forgot. We forgot our divine essence, our holy nature, our true nature; the nature of love, compassion and innate wisdom.

The prostitute has become the symbol for the distortions experienced by women around the divine feminine. She* is the vessel into which we can literally empty ourselves of our own 'sin' - her body contains our desires, her spirit contains our fears, her soul contains our history.  And we fell, through time from natural order into chaos, manipulated by ego, and by money, power and greed, people began forgetting the harmony and bliss of this union of the divine feminine and the divine masculine, both within and outside of ourselves and irrespective of our gender.

When I started the Sex Workers Speakeasy Project, I wasn't really sure what was driving me other than a personal recognition that I have been occupied with the Sex Worker Rights Movement for over 25 years now and I know that it's important to me. Having a voice is important to me. Offering a platform for marginalised groups to speak out in the face of great stigma and judgment is important to me, for how we treat the marginalised reflects upon how we treat the perceived 'small' in this world - the mouse, the shy, the timid, the humble. It reminds me how those with 'power' can misuse it, or can choose to channel it for great good. Sharing my experiences of being a literate, articulate woman with a wealth of stories to share allows me to envisage healing in this world which is another area of great importance for me, for if there was a Fall from Grace, for me it is in our forgetting to honour, deeply honour our greatest Mother; Planet Earth. Channeling my own courage, strength and integrity for the greater good, I began making an example of myself and my story to bring light to dark places, and I thankfully find myself standing beside others who have found the courage to stand up and share this stage, all of us speaking out for those who for many reasons cannot, and I salute them all, those who can and those who cannot, for in every story lies a history. 

Going to Las Vegas to present at the Desiree Alliance Conference in July of this year really began to transform some of these stories, or at least how they live in me began to be transformed. Rather than holding them in shame and stigma, they began to emerge into light and into empowerment in sharing with others in a stream of positive and inspiring dialogue. The women and men who have so far shared their stories with me have touched me deeply, every single one of them. I'm inviting ongoing contributions to this project so please message me at tantraheart@rocketmail.com if you would liek to contribute and get your voice out there. 

We need to re-connect not just to the masculine/feminine divinity in us but to our hearts, to that which allows us to listen to the experiences of another human being without politicising everything. To remove the stigma and reveal the source. The video below is Terra Burns - with thanks. 


Speakeasy #3 from Sex Worker Speakeasy on Vimeo.

*use of the feminine pronoun here reflecting my own experiences though this is not gender specific. The 'prostitute' can be any gender or gender neutral of course, and the divine masculine/feminine are in no way tied to birth gender. In this instance however the use of 'she' does refer to the overcoming of the 'feminine' and of women within many of our societies.

It's a Basic Human Right, right? Sex Workers Speakeasy

When I first started thinking about this project, I wasn't entirely clear about where my primary motivation was coming from. Was it personal healing, was it global politics, was it health and safety, workers rights, human rights or feminism? Was it appealing to my creative arts background?

Starting up the Indiegogo appeal to get myself to Las Vegas for the Desiree Alliance Conference in July of this year, the project emerged organically from that same appeal. With the help of an old friend, I made a short clip, my mouth, my words, speaking about why I needed crowd funding help to get to Vegas to present at this amazing conference, now integrating the full-circle journey I'd undertaken to go from delegate at ICOP sixteen years previously, to presenter at #DALV13 (the Desiree Alliance Twitter hashtag adopted for the duration of the event).

On arriving in Las Vegas, it soon became clear to me that the week ahead was likely to be a full one, in every possible way. It's not possible to listen to people's stories, hear about their lives and livelihoods, share motivational and inspirational workshops, and to engage with the current political and social key issues and remain unmoved.

My project, 'Sex Workers Speakeasy', was launched there - its primary intention to give sex workers a voice (a theme that has run through my life) allowing us to speak for ourselves, and to ensure that our diverse experience of the work is heard, recognised and respected. It took courage to launch my appeal, for in doing so I took the decision to out myself and to make public some aspects of my private life. Many cannot.

Whilst at the conference, a conversation with the very prolific blogger and truly engaging woman that is Maggie McNeil opened the door for me into why I do what I do. It's about social justice. Both Maggie and I share a very strong sense of social justice, and speaking for myself here, I know it's something I've carried through with me for most of my adult life and no doubt a fair bit of my childhood too. I remember being little and just knowing when something felt really wrong despite being told sometimes by the 'grown-ups' that 'that's the way it is' - for me, there would inevitably be a "why is that the way is?" retort. Every time.

So, in coming to this seedling of an idea, as I started connecting with contributors, as I heard their stories, I was left in no doubt that it had to happen. It's the thing I can give back to all I've ever been given by those who have inspired me, who light the way, to the brave and courageous activists who have changed things through sheer determination, a whole lot of courage and more than a fair bit of 'chutzpah'.

This contribution by Bella of the Rhode Island chapter of COYOTE (Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics) reminds me of the 'why'. Sex workers are dying as a result of being denied basic human and workers rights and as a result prejudice and stigma. In Scotland (UK) right now, brothels and saunas are being shut in what I can only see as a sadly regressive move. Those employees don't just stop selling sex, they simply get driven onto the streets or further underground where safety is even more eroded. And why? To satisfy someone else's view of what is 'moral' or not.

Help us to change things. Speak out! Stop allowing slut shaming. Challenge the language and please....above all, listen to the voices of those who know.

This post is dedicated to the lives, families and friends of Petite Jasmine and Dora Oezer who were both murdered in the last two months. May your spirits rest in peace and may your legacies create change.

Desiree Alliance Conference, Las Vegas 2013

Good evening readers! I'm literally just back from the 5th Desiree Alliance Conference in Las Vegas, Nevada. It's fair to say I spent most of the rather tediously long flight home, saved by one thing and one thing only; the super warm glow I felt after having spent a week in the most inspiring, supportive, educational, uplifting and validating company I've had the recent good fortune to find myself in.

This very important meeting of international sex workers was organised as a space for us, as current and former sex workers, allies, activists and advocates, to engage in dialogue around the manyfold aspects of our work, and our lives and to identify what impacts directly and indirectly upon them. I felt the bubble of excitement brewing as I arrived on the Friday two days prior to registration, and found myself surreptitiously looking at every person I passed in the hotel complex, wondering silently "are you one of us?" 

Gradually, as delegates started to arrive and we started to identify each other in that instinctive way us hos are so good at, we found our kinsfolk. It's fair to say that a strongly developed sense of intuition has probably saved many of us in the course of our work, and the 'why' in that last statement is actually a very serious issue, and one for the agenda several times over this last week. Why do we face the violence we face? Why do so many project so much onto such a marginalised group and what's it all about? Are we still so hung up about sex that dreadful things still happen as a result of these prejudices?

Our hope is that in speaking out about our experiences and in subsequently organising, networking and sharing, that we may transform some of these harms. 

I can tell you now that I have RARELY met such a wonderful group of people. I sat on that plane journey hugging moments into my heart, breathing in so much of the last week. New friendships made that I've no doubt at all will last for life. New allegiances to build stronger coalitions. And new ways of getting there. 

If there's one thing I would ask you readers it's this - LISTEN TO US talk about our experiences. Don't assume, don't pre-judge, just listen a while, and as the great St James Infirmary tee-shirt says so succinctly "NOTHING ABOUT US WITHOUT US" 

I will be writing a fair bit about the conference and my Sex Worker Speakeasy Project over the coming weeks. Thank you to all who already shared their voices, more to come and meanwhile remember....

Sex Workers Speakeasy

Hello and welcome back! Today's post sees me launching my appeal to go to the Desiree Alliance Conference in Las Vegas Nevada, July 2013.

I wish to raise funds to get there to deliver a paper entitled 'Sex Workers Speakeasy', which will focus on how we, as current and former sex workers can represent ourselves in the media, arts and via powerful modern platforms such as social networking sites and crowd funding websites such as the Indiegogo one. Crowd funding offers us the opportunity to really put our money where our hearts, values and passions lie. We can donate to any project, person or cause that we endorse, thus ensuring that our worlds really DO reflect our personal values insofar as we can directly contribute to making things happen that we believe are important to better our world. I hope that you feel desiring of contributing to my personal Indiegogo campaign, which is linked to a longer term film project giving voices to the real experiences of those involved in the sex industry or sexuality work in general. Thanks and stay safe and stay sexy!