Protect Me From What I Want: Porn Just Got Dirty!

So, porn in the UK just got seriously dirty and we need your attention here people!

Yesterday, a new law was passed in the UK making a list of specific acts illegal in porn in this country. Now, this list has absolutely NO bearing whatsoever on anything that could be considered even remotely helpful, healthy or healing. In fact, the opposite would appear to be true in that upon closer scrutiny, it seems to serve to further marginalise people and groups already feeling the sting of this kind of irrational legislation or their place in the existing social pecking order, in particular women, the LGBT community and the fetish world.

Now, I'm an open minded sort of a woman; I've explored my sexuality in as many aspects as I can think of throughout my life, with some exceptions of course, I mean not everything is my tasse du thé after all. It would be fair to say however, that I felt that one of the safest places for exploration I've ever experienced was in fetish clubs where my boundaries were always well and truly navigated and respected, and the breaking of those is in fact seriously frowned upon within this community.  Diversity of sexual expression is also most welcome: Leave your shame at the door please. Not every place or person respects this of course but nothing in life is really like that is it, and as far as it goes, these places always felt extremely SAFE.

From my explorations of fetish and BDSM, I can also say that 1) I throughly enjoyed them, and 2) No children or animals were hurt in the process and 3) I was kinda proud of my flogger marks and pleasantly stinging buttocks! So what gives here? Surely this is quite an innocent sentiment below...

Haven't us Brits always found the delicate 'thwack' of leather on willow a pleasure (cricket), or the whistle of air as crop hits thigh (equestrian pursuits) an unparalleled delight? Hasn't the scrum down in rugby always resulted in more than 'light' bruising? But that's ok because it's sport? And what about boxing? Cage fighting? Wrestling? Judo? I could go on - all consenting sports that often require a willing acceptance of the risk of injury. Well aren't I entitled to be the arbiter of that in my own sexual expression? It would seem not, for when we add sex into the equation, suddenly there's a flurry of outrage and censorial judgment. If it's about valour and the honour of your team or your country that's ok, but if it's about pleasure it's not? This double standard has to stop and I don't mean just in relation to sport but in relation to gender. The new law makes face sitting an illegal activity on the grounds that is "potentially life-endagering"! And female ejaculation? Please educate me as to how this can be deemed worthy of a total ban? I think I must be doing something wrong here because I am genuinely perplexed!

But I don't think it's because we are getting anything wrong actually. I think what is at play has some strange undercurrent of a regressive and perhaps ulterior motive. Is this part of a strategy of some sort? These politicians aren't stupid, so how can anyone with any intelligence whatsoever deem that it's not okay to face sit, but it is ok to aggressively face f**k (where a man thrusts his wonderful pride with some degree of brute force into the open mouth of a woman). It's okay for a man/group of men to ejaculate all over a woman but not okay for a woman to ejaculate over a man? It's not okay for me to consent to you spanking me and leaving a mark or two but it is okay for a boxer to knock an opponent into unconsciousness? The way I see it is this, if I consent to you spanking me, well I'm an intelligent woman and if I want it I will have it, if I want to watch it, I want to watch it. The key words are here: 'consenting', and 'adult'. I don't need a nanny and I don't remember employing one. Funnily enough there's a whole genre of porn based around adult babies, where one adult plays a nannying role over another, in that instance it's clearly defined role play but with these state governed censorship laws it's simply offensive! 

No, what's at play here is far more sinister. When I was a student we saw the evolution of the "Off The Shelf" campaign to remove porn from all top shelf placement in shops. Now in our technological age it's the 'ban online porn' movement, only there is no consistency, no equality, no logic or reason and plenty of hypocrisy. I don't actually like a great deal of porn. I find it seriously lacking in imagination, tenderness, and eroticism and way too loaded in control, aggression and false representations of gender and intimacy. I prefer my sex connected, present and full of integrity. Whether a one off or a relationship, whether vanilla or wild and dirty; as long as it's full of that connection, presence and honesty, and not riddled with guilt, deceit and shame, then I'm ok with the variations on the theme. 

If you care about freedom of speech, and if you think that to educate your children, rather than conceal, ban or imagine rather foolishly that human beings aren't naturally curious about sex, and from an early age too then please sign the petition. If you think that surely it's better to communicate than to ban, then please sign the petition - and let our politicians know that frankly it's us who will show zero tolerance to ignorance rather than you to your people by demonstrating no more than your petty moralistic judgements. My crop is simply buzzing for a bottom to whoop over this one and I bet I'd find that bottom in the corridors of Westminster in full enjoyment of a bit of illicit sexual frisson. Mr Cameron, you have made a grave error with this one! As usual our sex has become a class, gender, and choice loaded gun and you're pointing it in all the wrong directions. So I have only this to say….

Fetish or Fantasy?

This is an old post, however having recently revived my blog page after a long haitus during which I destroyed most of my internet presence and writing/photos (folly I know but broken hearts do strange things to rationale), I'm so glad to have found a few bits and bobs that I'd like you to indulge me in re-writing and posting some of those lost pieces.

When does a fantasy become a fetish? Do men fetishise sex more than women? Are the sexes really programmed that differently or is this just another common myth? We have most certainly struggled to express our masculinity which in turn has a massive impact on men's true ability to comfortably express their femininity.

We hear told that women want hearts, flowers and romance and are often happier with a cuddle than a really good fuck, whilst at the same time we’re told that men are simple creatures, easily pleased and able to separate sex from love, but is this the truth? Are the genders really so different in the expression of our deepest desires and urges? I know that there is a huge part of me able to separate the two but it is rarely given free rein; subconscious fear of judgement?

When in bed with a lover a while back, I began to complain that I didn’t want to talk dirty but wanted to just “make love” for a change....you know…just you and me, simple, without all of the fantasy. I was pouting and complaining in a lighthearted kind of a way, but underlying this comment was a bit of a weekend ‘whinge’;

“Our sex life has become too pornified! Can we just make love please, never mind all of this fantasy?!”
His reply: “so are you suggesting you don’t enjoy our ‘play’ as much as I do?”

My first response was to state that yes, I thought perhaps he was more into it than I, at which point he called me on it. “But you have all kinds of fetishes in relation to sex, just as many as I do”. “No I don’t!” I responded a little too quickly. Simple. I denied it! And he called me again, this time giving examples of some of his ‘fetishes’ and offering me examples of what he considered to be some of mine. I began to contemplate whether this felt true, were these examples he was offering me really fetishes?

I asked for his thoughts on why men (most of the men I’ve known at least) seemingly enjoy a different kind of sex to women (as in fucking over love making). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not painting everything with a generalised brush here and I know there are cross-overs, however there also seem to be certain patterns I’ve noticed. Are men really so much more straightforward about it and able to separate sex and love? Why do they seem to shy away from what women refer to more as ‘love making’? Why do so many women seem uncomfortable getting the sex they may want and simply demanding a good fuck without being labelled a 'slut' or a 'whore' (both of which are labels I'm happy to embrace unless they're being delivered with physical threat).

His theory was that men are generally very task and object driven in life, and that this makes them feel very grounded. In sex they are no different. There is a ‘task’ at hand, an objective and a goal as outcome; to orgasm and ejaculate. He suggested that the more ‘touchy-feely’ approach often favored by women makes men feel uncomfortable as it’s too intangible, too much weighted in feelings and the subjective as opposed to actions and the objective. I found this fascinating.

We continued to talk - when does a fantasy become a fetish? He mentioned several of what he thought of as my ‘fetishes’. No, I disagreed; I fantasise about that but it’s not a fetish. There’s no obsession there (in the first example or two he offered at least). Then he mentioned two more, one not even sexually motivated, and it was here that he finally found an admission. Yes, I admit to having a fetish…about shoes, and one for the smell of my own panties after a long day at work, which I find totally erotic. There may well be more.

We discovered that for both of us, a fetish usually creates a physical trigger and is inherently related to the body, whereas a fantasy often remains happily placed within the realms of the imagination, or the mind. So for example (using shoes as it’s more convenient to illustrate my point), when I’m shopping and see gorgeous shoes I have to seriously battle not to stop, touch them, sniff them, try them on and admire them, and then fight even harder not to buy them when I cannot afford them or don’t actually need them. I become physically stimulated and this stimulus is directly connected to my sensory awareness and the erotic drive in me. I lust after them and feel driven to fulfill this fetished urge. When I’m wearing certain shoes, I become the fetish object and I feel powerful in good heels. By contrast I have a big doctor fantasy yet I can happily enter a GP’s surgery and not get triggered into physical response (inappropriate to begin touching the doctor!), therefore I consider this a fantasy rather than a fetish. Were I to get a Pavlovian response to the examination table for example, or to the stirrups, then I would call it a fetish.

Men, it would seem, have many more fetishes than women, or at least my man has many more than I do! He offered examples of all of his male friends and the things he/they fetishise about; panties, hosiery, air hostesses, cheerleaders, white knee-high, socks, cunnilingus, spanking, and so much more, yet for me, though I may enjoy playing with some of these things, for the most part they remain ‘fantasy’ and do not invoke a physical response or any kind of mildly obsessive behaviour.

Does this difference (if you agree there is one) between the sexes hold true for others? Is it bound to cause problems? Can it be understood and accepted thus creating a more peaceful way of being in relationship? What would it take for couples for whom there is a vast chasm between their mutual understanding and desires to feel comfortable with each others sexuality? So far I have found about 4 things I’d consider having a fetish for whereas my lover hadn’t stopped formulating his list before it was time to get up!

Do you have a fetish? Are you able to express it/indulge it? Do you have to keep your fetishes secret? What do you consider to be the main difference between fantasy and fetish and do you believe there is a gender distinction in evidence with this?

I've re-considered some of this since separating from the lover in question, and talking recently with a male friend, we discovered we were both equally desiring of balance in our sex life; a bit of 'sensuality. coupled with a bit of lustful hard fucking seems to be the perfect balance, regardless of gender. I'm also more inclined to think that the line between fantasy and fetish is far less clear than that given in my examples above. I could quite happily feel a physical trigger to my doctor fantasy and were social norms different, indulge in it following the response of my clearly wet pussy!

Now that's undeniably physical.....so perhaps ultimately it's all just a matter of self control?