Why Consent Is Key

The video above, made by the incredible Serpent Libertine of Red Light Chicago, highlights a really important piece of activism. The fact that most sex workers with any political savvy at all not only want to distinguish between trafficked sex workers and those who elect to work by their own choice and will, but recognise the fundamental importance of this distinction, are only all the more frustrated by the fact that current bad laws make it almost impossible for sex workers to assist lawmakers in tackling the most serious areas of concern.

Of the women and men who choose to work in this industry, most of us still find ourselves at the mercy of antiquated laws which do absolutely nothing to help forward engaging adult intelligent debate, truly useful service provision, effective policing and to hold any modicum of faith in the upholding of fair and just civil liberties. Many countries make prostitution illegal, in others it is legal all but in name as the surrounding laws and loopholes still render it impossible to work safely (UK is a prime example). It seems that we are still stuck in Victorian values when it comes to thinking about sex, the trading of it, and the free giving of it where it does not fit in with societies 'normal' value definitions.

As a woman who has explored many aspects of my own sexual expression over the years via fetish clubs and websites, BDSM practice, research, service provision, several areas of sex work (escort, phone sex operator, street worker), open relationships, tantra other expressions of my sexuality (which I see as inherently connected to my creativity), I am still staggered that the fundamental concept of FREE CONSENT seems so hard to grasp.

When it comes to the trafficking debate, this has been used for years to discredit sex workers who work by free will, who choose to sell sex, and who are conscious about how they work and within what boundaries. The trafficking issue has perhaps been the single most loud voice in the polarisation of the debate around sex work and feminist discussion, capitalist discussion, and the concept of how race, gender and social class impact upon the sphere of work and sexuality.

Work of any kind cannot be separated from capitalism it's true, however it seems that sex workers advocating for their right to decide what to do with their own bodies and incomes are the thorn in the side of the moral and ethical 'police'. It is dis-empowering and arrogant to sex workers to tell us that we do not recognise our own oppression; that we are complicit in it, whilst suggesting that you who work for large corporate companies or publishing houses etc, are not! Why are we so damn twitchy about the sale of our bodies? Would we abolish work because some aspects of capitalism leave a nasty taste in the mouth? No..so why try to abolish prostitution because some aspects of that do the same? Why not invest in and lobby for workers rights, better policing, fair laws; the things that will help sex workers on a global level tackle the real issues; violence, exploitation and abuse.

Please share this video on your sexual freedom websites, social networking sites, sex worker rights pages, spread the word...without changes in the law, we, the vast resource with access to the greatest information cannot help.

This is 2011 ~ Time For Change!!

Sacred Whoring

What does the word 'whore' conjure up for you? Have you experienced it as a derogatory label being hurled at you as some justification for another person's anger? Have you been judged for your sexual expression, or your dress sense? I'm asking as it's a word I quite like these days, like 'cunt' and 'bitch', words I once feared, perhaps as I too was locked in what it felt to be on the receiving end of their judgment rather than their potential for liberation.

These days, I am less and less apologetic about who I am in the world and how I choose to express myself, and my activism has taken on new perspectives as a result. When I was younger, it was fair to say that I hated much of my experience of sex and my personal circumstances were very different back then. Now however, I have much more in common with many of the tantra clients I see (the age gap has narrowed!) and my awareness of just how much healing is needed around sexuality has grown enormously and it is my conclusion that "Houston...we have a problem"!!

The first thing I notice is how nervous many men are around women. Granted I'm there in a certain capacity and some nerves are to be expected, however, it's more than that and I'm suspecting that many men aren't at all sure of us women. Secondly, when new clients first arrive it's fair to say the majority seriously do not know how to touch, be touched or communicate with a woman. I don't say this to judge, more to raise awareness of how much work there is that can be done by conscious sexuality educators - healing work that can ripple out into the world which can only improve the relationship between the sexes as far as I'm concerned. How ironic then that so many anti-sexwork lobbyists assert the opposite and hold us accountable for buying into the damage that's done in the name of gender differentials; simplistic reductionist arguments that fall at the first hurdle.

One of my all time heroines, Annie Sprinkle, pictured below, has consistently worked from this premise.

Annie knows that we need more love and more sex in the world and uses her unique point of view and skill to bring this out in her own inimitable style. Her sexuality knows more variety in its expression than almost anyone I can think of and I adore her! As sex workers, Annie and another of my heroines Scarlet Harlot, inspire me to bring the same gifts through my own work, so when I meet a man who is clearly awkward and inexperienced around women, I see it as my challenge and a labor of love to reduce his anxiety and with kindness and compassion teach him about how to communicate sexually. Not all men ask or need to know but many benefit for sure.

Some clients approach making love as if fixing the broken mechanics of an industrial drill - with as much sensitivity as an ox at work and as much awareness as a bull in the proverbial china shop. It takes guts and discretion to gently coax a man into a softer way of being without at the same time making him feel emasculated; that's not the point after all. My clients get my respect from the outset and I expect the same, and that includes every part of the contact whether verbal or physical. I simply expect respect. These are not fixed states. I'm more than happy to be called a whore by a lover unless the word is being used with underlying violence of one sort or another.

Sex workers can teach men a great deal about love, pleasure and intimacy. We can earn a good living, get some kicks along the way and besides all of that, let's not forget.... 

A BLOW JOB IS BETTER THAN MOST JOBS!